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 Changeling: Prologue

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Sarabi

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Number of posts : 78
Age : 24
Registration date : 2009-10-25

PostSubject: Changeling: Prologue   Tue Mar 02, 2010 6:58 pm

Prologue
Overheard


“What are you saying? You can’t take her from me.”
“She doesn’t belong here, Marie, you know it as well as I do.”
“I’ve raised her for six years. She has friends, family—”
“She has family in the other world, too. We would take care of her.”
“Not like I can. Please, let her stay. This is where she belongs, with me.”
“She isn’t going to be here much longer either way. I suggest—”
“I know damn well what you suggest, Peadar. But I won’t have it. If you take her away from me, my connections will see to it that your life becomes hell.”
“I think the entire court knows about your...connections. Why do you think he’ll care about one changeling left in your care? And what makes you so sure she won’t die here, suffocating as your mortal air slowly destroys her life, just like all the others who have stayed beyond their term? ”
“She would be different. This is her home as much as it is mine, maybe even more so.”
“What do you mean, she would be different? The girl isn’t human, Marie. Changelings cannot stay here. That is our law, and she is bound to it. Her family in the other world—”
“She has none, none that know of her. She’s not...”
“Not what? Marie, what have you done?”
Silence.
“She’s yours?”
“Please leave. Leave us now, Peadar.”
“Marie, I didn’t mean—”
“No. You lot never do. He didn’t either. He didn’t mean any of it.”
Crying.
“I— I believe this would give her a few more years in this world, Marie. She can stay for now. The year she turns sixteen, I’ll be back.”

The kitchen door opened. I was sitting on the hall floor, and I looked up into the shocked face of the most strangely dressed man I had ever seen. He looked like he had walked out of a storybook. He turned, and behind him I saw Mama. She tried to smile when she saw me, but it looked more like she was hurting. Hurting inside where I couldn’t see. “Baby, what are you doing down here? It’s way past your bedtime.”
I said nothing. Mama needed a hug. I raised my arms in the air, so she could see. Up? But it wasn’t Mama who picked me up, it was the man.
“Peadar, what do you think you’re doing?” Mama came over, tried to take me away.
“I have to wipe her memories, Marie. She probably overheard us.” The man, Peadar, smelled nice. His hair was white, like an old man’s hair. I wound my fingers through it. It didn’t feel like an old man’s hair. It was soft, like when mine. I giggled, and tugged it. Peadar laughed in surprise, pulled my hands out of his hair. Mama looked annoyed, the way she got when someone else was right.
“Keelie, right?” I blinked at Peadar. He knew my name. Had they been talking about me? “Tell me about yourself.” He sat me on the kitchen table, and Mama held my hand. Peadar looked right into my face, and I couldn’t look away.
“Your hair is pretty.”
“Thank you. How do you feel?”
“Sleepy...”
Mama tucked me in to bed later, being quiet so Gideon wouldn’t wake as I had done. I remembered nothing of that night, the entire scene gaining the semblance of a vague dream, tucked away in the back of my head, never to be viewed clearly again. Until now.

..........................................................................................................................................................................
I could have just left this bit in short stories, but it looks much nicer now that it's done and not in several stages across several posts.
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Owle Gray

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Number of posts : 163
Age : 25
Registration date : 2010-02-26

PostSubject: Re: Changeling: Prologue   Sun Mar 07, 2010 1:55 am

I really like this. I think the dialogue in te beginning is awesome: just enough to develop the characters, and just enough to leave the reader wondering about the personalities behind the scene.

I like how you rewrote the parting paragraph from last time. Very poetic and ties it all up.

When I read it, I was not sure what made Peadar come over to her house at first; I think you made it very clear what Keelie was, but I first got the impression that Peadar was assigned to take her away and Marie knew that he would come. It was only after I read the other post that I understood (perhaps incorrectly?) that he dropped in without orders. Would that be explained later in the book? study

That brings me to my final point: PLEASE POST MORE!!!!! I want to know what happens. bounce
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Dark S3cret
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Number of posts : 458
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Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: Changeling: Prologue   Sun Mar 07, 2010 11:57 am

I agree with everything Yuliya said.
And you know I say this everytime, your dialogue is awesome. It drives the scene, and it doesn't seem contrived.

Again, you capture the perspective of children amazingly well.

I can't really say much more, except that I'm eager to read more, like Yuliya.

Although I was slightly confused by this fragmented statement? Perhaps I'm reading it wrong....
It was soft, like when mine.
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Sarabi

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Age : 24
Registration date : 2009-10-25

PostSubject: Re: Changeling: Prologue   Sun Mar 07, 2010 3:19 pm

You people are too nice to me...

Yeah, there's more coming. It's still in development, but I'm thinking it'll be ready for march break.

Thanks for catching that typo Very Happy I write on my laptop, so if I accidentally brush the touch pad, it moves my cursor, and I don't notice the words are in the wrong place until I edit. There's probably a "where" missing from some other paragraph. study
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