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 Changeling: Scene 2

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Sarabi

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Number of posts : 78
Age : 23
Registration date : 2009-10-25

PostSubject: Changeling: Scene 2   Sat Mar 13, 2010 4:06 pm

“Keelie, there you are! Tell him he’s insane.” Keelie laughed as her two friends converged on her, their arms overflowing with somebody’s science fair project. Marni and Zeke had apparently been debating something. Marni glanced pleadingly at her. “He’s trying to defend the egg myth, the one where you can supposedly balance an egg on its end.”

Keelie rolled her eyes. “Won’t that be kind of difficult? The equinox isn’t a day, you know. It only lasts for like, a minute.”

“Silence, knaves. You two know nothing about modern science.” Zeke stated indignantly, caught between trying to appear scholarly and losing his grip on a carton of large eggs, which plummeted to the pavement.

“I’ve got it!” cried Keelie, diving for the eggs before they could hit the ground. She caught them just in time, and landed hard on her elbows in the process. Standing, she groaned. “Look at what that did to my cardigan. I’ll have to grab something else from my—what? What are you guys staring at?”

Marni and Zeke were gawking at her, like she had just grown a second head. “Um, hello? Earth to best friends?”

Marni defrosted first, eyeing Keelie worriedly. “Keelie, you aren’t ... on anything, are you?”

“Like steroids or something?” Zeke chimed in a second later, still looking more than a little shocked.

“Why? I don’t look...weirder than usual, do I?” Keelie always went as far as she could to disguise her differences in public. To look even less normal would be awful. People already made her feel like she didn’t belong.

“No, no, it’s not that, it’s just—”

“Hell yeah, that looked weird! It almost looked like you didn’t even budge, and then you hit the ground. People can’t move that fast, Keels.”

“Zeke. Shut up.” Marni grabbed their arms, pulling them towards a different stop. “People are staring at us. Here, let’s take this bus.” She knew Keelie didn’t like to be stared at.


“What’s up with the ventilation system?” Keelie sat at the back of math class as usual, and glared up at the ceiling vent.

“The vents are working fine.” Marni grinned at her. “Just wait for next period. The lab fans are usually perfect.” Glancing back at the math question on the board, she added “You might even need to get that dirty cardigan from your locker.”

“Maybe.” Keelie gritted her teeth. It had been a birthday present from her mother, and she didn't even get to wear it for a full day.

And how could she have been the only one to notice the broken air conditioning? The air in the classroom was stagnant and humid, despite the window next to them, open for any hint of a breeze. Keelie could barely get enough air for a single sentence. She hoped Mr. Bjorn wouldn’t call on her, and make her solve the next word problem out loud.

“Keelie, would you care to explain the next homework question to the class?” Mr. Bjorn asked. Keelie felt like the entire class had turned to look at her, even though less than half of them were actually listening. Her math teacher could sense and target fear or discomfort like a professional torturer.

“Um, x is in the numerator,” Keelie tried to inhale, and took in no oxygen. “So you can just multiply both sides...” Her voice trailed off. Now people actually turned around in their seats. Why was she taking to long?

Keelie gasped for air, gripping her desk to stay upright. The faces of her classmates swam and blurred, and something else was standing over her, poised to strike.

Her world went dark, and she stopped thinking about what was happening.
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: Changeling: Scene 2   Sat Mar 13, 2010 5:22 pm

I like the imagery, particularly when, 'Marni defrosted first' Very Happy

Were I to criticize, the last line seemed a little drawn out. I was already captivated by, 'Her world went dark,' and all the -ing endings tripped me up without offering any more information. Perhaps a metaphor for her mind/thoughts shutting down, instead?

I may have harped about this already, but I LOVE how developed, indepent, and complete your characters are! AND their names are cool.
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Changeling: Scene 2   Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:05 am

I agree with Yuliya. Because she's always right. :]

I am eager to see what exactly she can do.

And again, I have said this many times before, but your prose = really good.
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Changeling: Scene 2   Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:05 am

Also, your dialogue.
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Changeling: Scene 2   Mon Mar 15, 2010 3:16 pm

Thanks for the character comments. I actually have these mini databases of character development in my laptop, so I go back to that if I feel like my character's personality is getting murky.

I've been having trouble thinking of different ways for characters to pass out, partially because Keelie is developing a tendency to do idiotic things that make her lose consiousness. I'll try to keep away from the "ing" family.

I like dialogue.... study I hate in english class where we have to read chapters and chapters with maybe one or two lines of people actually communicating, so I try to start with dialogue, how my characters interact, and go from there.
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Changeling: Scene 2   Mon Mar 15, 2010 10:44 pm

Well, it definitely works! Starting with dialogue that is. Although one could argue that human interaction is mostly through body language, but that's only if you want to be really pedantic.

That character database thing sounds really useful. It's a good system to have -- and one, that I myself cannot, admittedly, do. When I have plot or characters fleshed out in detail I lose interest in the story. I personally like to write them as I write the story, which is why I have issues with plot.

Also, about the "passing out" thing... as long as you vary it up a little, I don't particularly mind however you write it. Because it's hard to avoid the cliches -- they work.
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Changeling: Scene 2   Tue Mar 16, 2010 2:34 am

It's not really a very organized database. I kinda just have a word document with any quotes or character development exercises pertaining to the character. Keelie's has the morning scene with Gideon, a few random pieces of info and a paragraph describing a dream she had as a kid that somehow relates to her presently. Thanks to this dream, she now has a phobia of mail rooms and cosmic adventures.

Cliches.... oh, no. I'm terrified of cliches, and I regularly check my work to find any obvious ones. pale
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