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 "Island." Be brutal. :)

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Number of posts : 80
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-02-17

PostSubject: "Island." Be brutal. :)   Mon Sep 21, 2009 4:49 pm

My phone is ringing
off the hook, bouncing and wailing like an excited puppy, like a
child waiting to be fed.
The noise bores into my skull, and if it were a baby,
I probably would have shaken it
by now.

shaking my phone would not accomplish much.
So I wait.

But you keep calling back, and
I don't know how you can't take the hint that
I'm ignoring you.

Across the shore, I see
headlights flashing on dirt roads.
But I am surrounded by trees and
wild flowers;
and I cannot cross the lake, because I
don't know how to swim.
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Dark S3cret
Dark S3cret

Number of posts : 458
Age : 26
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: "Island." Be brutal. :)   Wed Oct 07, 2009 6:05 pm

So :

1) Very interesting images. "Shaking a baby" ? XD Can't say I'm not a little taken aback at the thought, but it was very effective. I like unconventional ways of describing things, alot of metaphors get too hackneyed.

2) Your third stanza makes sense, if I look at the previous two stanzas, but I feel that the last one seems a little like the "odd one out"?

3) Despite #3, I love the stanza and the essence of it. i.e. the images you employ, the tone... as a whole it's just very memorable.
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Number of posts : 80
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-02-17

PostSubject: Re: "Island." Be brutal. :)   Thu Oct 08, 2009 5:46 pm

1) haha. SBS (Shaken Baby Syndrome) actually exists. I don't know the stats, but a lot of babies die from this. Maybe I just watch too much Law and Order. Razz I love metaphors, and when they're done well I think they're really powerful, so it makes me sad when they're misused. Sad

2) Yes! I have so many poems like this. And then I always feel like going back and rewriting the whole thing. :/

3) Mucho thanklies. Smile I like the idea, but I need to work on it...
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