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 Pandora's Box

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Sarabi

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Age : 25
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PostSubject: Pandora's Box   Mon Nov 23, 2009 7:51 pm

Prologue (?)
It was a strange vessel to trust this to, out of the many that had been used. The cute kitty on the side conflicted with the contents, something that had brought empires to their end, a destroyer of worlds, just as it had destroyed hers.
“Whatcha doing, Kaya?”
Kaya froze. The child was awake. She quickly stuffed the tin back on its shelf.
“Nothing. Sugar, you should be asleep. It’s almost midnight.”
Did the girl notice the tremor in her voice? God, she hoped not. The less the child knew, the happier she’d be. And yet...
“Honey, promise me you’ll never open the tin. Never, you hear?”
“But why, Kaya?”
“Just promise me.”
“’Kay. Night, night.”
She was asleep the almost the moment she had stopped talking. So innocent. Kaya wondered if she would even remember this encounter. Of course she would. They all had. She felt a warmth in the core of her being, a need to protect this child who wasn’t even hers. She wished she could return to that same trusting naiveté. But that was beyond her grasp now; after all she’d seen and done.
As Kaya turned to leave, she hesitated. Before she could change her mind, she strode to the bookshelf, grabbed the tin, and stuffed one last paper in it. There. Now the next one would know everything. Well, almost everything. She hoped it wouldn’t be this child. All of her protections were meaningless against the contents of that thrice-damned tin.


I guess this is a short story, since i don't really have multiple chapters right now, just a prologue(i think). Anyways, this is an updated version of what I wrote at PWN today. Subject:Cookie Tin (cue epic music)
Pleease comment. I usually only get my mom's views on my writing, so i need critique study
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Mon Nov 23, 2009 7:52 pm

This looked a heck of a lot longer in Word... Suspect
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root vegetable

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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Mon Nov 23, 2009 8:24 pm

Yay for acctually showing up today, unlike almost everyone else Razz

I like how its short and semi-sweet. You have this woman worrying about protecting a small child from some secret of hers; you get the sweet of the child's obliviousness, and then the dark of the woman's secretive 'zomfg if someone so much as opens the cookie jar twill be ze end of ze world!! D:" which sort of throws a wrench in things. but in a good way. (:

And i get the feeling you mentioned this at lunch, but what exactly was in the box? O.o
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Mon Nov 23, 2009 9:59 pm

Thankeez for commenting Very Happy I could almost hug you for that. And no, I didn't mention the contents of the tin. I only have a vague idea myself scratch
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:00 pm

Nice. Predominantly dialogue -- but you have the character's voices down quite convincingly. I take it you're planning to continue?
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:28 pm

I think so, but sometimes things just fall apart.(actually, that happens a lot to me) I really connect with my characters, so I want to see where these ones are headed. Has anyone noticed yet that my little girl character doesn't have a name?
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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:46 pm

... Creepy. D:
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Mon Nov 23, 2009 11:22 pm

New Version. Please comment.Very Happy
Prologue (?)
It was a strange vessel to trust this to, out of the many that had been used. The cute kitty on the side conflicted with the contents, something that had brought empires to their end, a destroyer of worlds. It would eradicate this one, just as it had hers.
“Whatcha doing, Kaya?”
Kaya froze. The child was awake. She quickly stuffed the tin back on its shelf.
“Nothing. Sugar, you should be asleep. It’s almost midnight.”
Did the girl notice the tremor in her voice? God, she hoped not. The less the child knew, the happier she’d be. And yet...
“Honey, promise me you’ll never open the tin. Never, you hear?”
“But why, Kaya?”
“Just promise me.”
“’Kay. Night, night.”
She was asleep the almost the moment she had stopped talking. So innocent. Kaya wondered if she would even remember this encounter. Of course she would. They all had. She felt a warmth in the core of her being, a need to protect this child who wasn’t even hers. She wished she could return to that same trusting naiveté. But that was beyond her grasp now; after all she’d seen and done.
As Kaya turned to leave, she hesitated. Before she could change her mind, she strode to the bookshelf, grabbed the tin, and stuffed one last paper in it. There. Now the next one would know everything. Well, almost everything. She hoped it wouldn’t be this child. All of her protections were meaningless against the contents of that thrice-damned tin. As she replaced it, she suddenly felt compelled to stay. What was she thinking? The child needed her, to explain the why when her task became clear. How could she leave this crimeless child to her fate?
“No.” She hissed at the tin, “It won’t be her. It can’t be. She will be free of the filth you’ve saddled me with. And she’ll tell her daughter and her daughter’s daughter, and you will never be unleashed again.”
Do you really think so? Kaya stared at the tin. No. It couldn’t, shouldn’t be able to keep doing this.
“Get out of my head!” Her voice was still a whisper. Kaya didn’t want to think of how scared the child would be if she knew.
Do you truly believe I can be held at bay by your pathetic wishes for her safety? The Gods of Olympus couldn’t quiet me. What makes you think you can? The voice was overpowering now. She had to leave, to flee, anywhere but here. The thing had already seen into the depths of her soul, she could not protect herself now.
The door closed behind her, and she heard its mocking laugh as she ran all the way to the river. She would end it here. As she jumped, Kayla knew that the current would carry her away, and the girl would never be in danger again.
Goodbye, Pandora.
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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Mon Nov 23, 2009 11:28 pm

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD::::

Powerful ending. Very Happy
And OMG DID I NOT SAY THE TIN WAS CREEPY.
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root vegetable

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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:08 pm

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN

When the italics of the tin first showed up I definately was like "ITS THE KID!!! DDDDDDDDDDD:" and then it wasn't, but still freaky O_o

But I love that she was all 'must protect kid; cant fuck this one up like in the past' and when the box was like 'o rly?' she brought the smacking down with her 'YEAH REALLY, WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?' XD That made me smile. Not a big smile, cuz the story is creepy as fuck (i swear, i do mean that in a complimentary manner. trully, i do) and its hard to full-out smile like (: when youre busy going D: but i liked it. Very Happy
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Tue Nov 24, 2009 10:40 pm

Thanks. I usually don't mean for my stories to be creepy, they just come out like that:( I actually have a (hopefully) happy one being modified right now. I think I'll post it when it deserves to see the light of day:D
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Wed Nov 25, 2009 6:25 pm

Prologue (?)
It was a strange vessel to trust this to, out of the many that had been used. The cute kitty on the side conflicted with the contents, something that had brought empires to their end, a destroyer of worlds. It would eradicate this one, just as it had hers.
“Whatcha doing, Kaya?”
Kaya froze. The child was awake. She quickly stuffed the tin back on its shelf.
“Nothing. Sugar, you should be asleep. It’s almost midnight.”
Did the girl notice the tremor in her voice? God, she hoped not. The less the child knew, the happier she’d be. And yet...
“Honey, promise me you’ll never open the tin. Never, you hear?”
“But why, Kaya?”
“Just promise me.”
“’Kay. Night, night.”
She was asleep the almost the moment she had stopped talking. So innocent. Kaya wondered if she would even remember this encounter. Of course she would. They all had. She felt a warmth in the core of her being, a need to protect this child who wasn’t even hers. She wished she could return to that same trusting naiveté. But that was beyond her grasp now; after all she’d seen and done.
As Kaya turned to leave, she hesitated. Before she could change her mind, she strode to the bookshelf, grabbed the tin, and stuffed one last paper in it. There. Now the next one would know everything. Well, almost everything. She hoped it wouldn’t be this child. All of her protections were meaningless against the contents of that thrice-damned tin. As she replaced it, she suddenly felt compelled to stay. What are you thinking? The child needs you; to explain why when her task becomes clear. Can you leave this crimeless child to her fate?
That voice... It wasn’t Kaya’s conscience. She’d lost that long ago. But how?
“No.” She hissed at the tin, “It won’t be her. It can’t be. She will be free of the filth you’ve saddled me with. And she’ll tell her daughter and her daughter’s daughter, and you will never be unleashed again.”
Do you really think so? Kaya stared at the tin. No. It couldn’t, shouldn’t be able to keep doing this.
“Get out of my head!” Her voice was still a whisper. Kaya didn’t want to think of how frightened the child would be if she knew.
Do you truly believe I can be held at bay by your pathetic wishes for her safety? The Gods of Olympus couldn’t quiet me. What makes you think you can?” The voice was overpowering now. She had to leave, to flee and be anywhere but here. The thing had already seen into the depths of her soul, she could not protect herself now.
The door closed behind her, and she heard its mocking laugh as she ran all the way to the river. She would end it there. As she jumped, Kayla knew that the current would carry her away, and the girl would never be in danger again.
Goodbye, Pandora. 

New Version-less drastic changes this time
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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Wed Nov 25, 2009 6:38 pm

... Did she kill herself?
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Wed Nov 25, 2009 10:55 pm

yeah. The thing in the tin can't get to the girl, because she hasn't opened it. kaya freed the creature/ thing a while ago, so it can get in her head. the suicide was her way of protecting nameless girl and the rest of the world (what's left of it, anyway) Sad I'm starting to regret killing her off. I miss her already. maybe I'll do a prequel-type-thing...
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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Tue Dec 29, 2009 4:59 pm

That would be interesting. Very Happy
The prequel could totally be the scene where she freed the creature/thing...
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Tue Dec 29, 2009 11:21 pm

finished kaya's scene. I'm not sure if I'm going to post it, tho
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PostSubject: Re: Pandora's Box   Tue Dec 29, 2009 11:32 pm

oookkk. well, when you decide... *leaves sentence hanging*
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