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Traverse Writer

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PostSubject: My Last Thoughts   Sat Nov 21, 2009 9:30 pm

Walking slowly with my blood-stained hand,
I see myself in the mirror, torn asunder in a bloody mess.
The reality strikes me hard as I fall and land
on the cold floor, letting blood drip in my hour of weakness.

Vision blurs as I try to whisper
but nothing cries out or resound.
Is heaven crying? I try to ponder,
but I'm not a thinker, and the words wound.

This is nothing, I think inbetween gasps,
but everything is not alright, my mind tells me.
He'll be back soon enough when the time lasps,
my final hour almost at hand, what will I be...?

Footsteps echo in my mind as I picture him,
What will become of me? The words spill forth,
Rough hands grab me, yanking me towards in the dim.
Then the pain starts again. Once, twice, thrice, a fourth.

Even if the suns sees or if the rain hears,
no one will hear my screams, it's useless.
It stops and I slump to the floor, lying in tears
The bloody nightmare has ceased while I'm still a mess.

As I wait, I wonder if he'll know just what were my last thoughts?

_____________________

Your thoughts?

Hopefully, it isn't too dark or anything...

This is my first time writing stuff on this subject.


Last edited by Traverse Writer on Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Mon Nov 23, 2009 8:15 pm

Nice. I like the writing scheme, and I dont think it was too dark; it's hard to write for this subject. Hope to see it with amnesty
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Mon Nov 23, 2009 9:58 pm

First off, it's nigh impossible not to be at least semi-dark with this kind of subject.

I think your second stanza is a bit awkward... in that the message isn't totally clear and your rhymes seem a little forced. What were you trying to portray with it?

Once, twice, thrice, a fourth. I don't really like this. D:

It stops and I slump to the floor, laying in tears
The bloody nightmare has cease while I'm still a mess.

Lying in tears...?
Has ceased?

It's not too bad, but it seems a little forced, over all.

Some references to my poem, I see... Razz
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:26 pm

@LINDSAY

Thanks! And yeah, I tend to avoid these kind of despressing topics... But oh well.


@ANGELA

Oh, thank-you for pointing those out. I was a bit effy on the second stanza. Truthfully, I couldn't think of anything that rhymed with "whisper", but now that I think of it, maybe "ponder"? I was trying to potray the kind of trash-talking woman might face from a guy, like "you aren't a thinker, just a poccession". You know, that kind of thing, but yeah. I suck at these subjects the most. Mostly because it gives me bad images in my head and they don't exactly leave, and also leaves a bad taste in my mouth. So sorry if it was confusing.

As for the second part, thanks. It sounds better. Very Happy

Oh and for the "Once. Twice. Thrice. A fouth." line... I couldn't think of anything that went with "forth". Sorry! XD
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:37 pm

That's ok. And haha, I understand. Your aversion to the topic that is.
HOWEVER. I feel as if I should address the issue...
Um. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but ... ok.

So I wrote a poem.
You wrote a poem.

The format is similar.

I mention raindrops falling from heaven.
And you say, "Heaven crying."

I'll let the dripping blood go. It's a morbid subject.

Echoing footsteps...

And like... your character does the same thing mine does. >.>
She falls. And dies. And wonders in her head.
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:48 pm

>>

Like I said, I suck at this subject...

Well, my character doesn't die (hopefully).

But, yeah, my brain is fried so, yeah...

Did I mension I suck at writing this stuff?
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:50 pm

.... That doesn't answer my question....?
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:52 pm

I know...

Forgive me. TT_TT

I tried.
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:53 pm

... Tried what...?
To answer...
To attempt this prompt...
To copy me...?

Razz
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 9:04 pm

pale

Crying or Very sad

No, I...

I shouldn't have even bothered...

*is depressed*
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 9:09 pm

*perks up again*

Sorry, I really wasn't trying to copy you Angela. I liked the imagery but it was more in front of a mirror in the bathroom-like scene. Blame all the movies I've watched with it. They always have the same repeating scenes, so yeah.

I'll try again. But, really I suck at this subject. So don't expect anything really good... (Yeah, I know I'm dissing myself... Ba haa haaa...)
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 9:11 pm

Wait...
If it's in a bathroom, why is it raining?
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 9:17 pm

Honestly, I don't know.

Perhaps it was outside the window.

Then again, where's the window at? XD
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 9:31 pm

Look. You don't have to try so hard if you don't want to write about it.
If you want to, then by all means, go ahead.

I just feel a little paranoid about the similarities of your work compared to mine.
I mean, the last time that happened, you actually took "Obsolete"...
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 9:39 pm

.......Don't worry.

I just felt pressured because of the email that was sent out.

ALL POEMY STUFF FOR GENDER VIOLENCE MUST BE HANDED IN BY FRIDAY OR WE'LL HAVE YOUR @$$ES. (okay, it wasn't worded that way, but it put the fear of god in me or at least the writer goddess in me...)

Honestly, I had already told Zerin that I was too busy. So, its basically writer's jam (that's what I call it) When something like this happens. Don't worry, I do it irrenuglarly. (I know spelling, so sue me...but please don't)

However, don't worry about the Obsolete/Obscure thingy. I found a more properable name for it. I just used the names as placeholders really...

It's...Corona.
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 10:09 pm

... Yeah. But I said it was optional. FOR THOSE WHO ARE INTERESTED. Whatever pressure you felt was misplaced -- you misunderstood.

... You have a writer goddess in you...? T_T

Well I know. But still, the fact that you took it without asking still irks me. Like. Alot.

I feel like you're missing what I'm saying whenever I say something, and I don't know how to be clear without coming across as confrontational.

Regardless of whether you feel pressured or not, or whether you tried or whatever -- I asked you if your poem was inspired by mine. It's a yes or no answer.
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 10:23 pm

Yes.

It was highly inspirational on your part.

That's the damn truth, honestly.

Very Happy

Does that help?

And I think, I'll withdraw this and refrain from doing this writer jam stuff.

AND I tend to take everything literally! *Grins* I hope that isn't too much of a problem. *sweatdrop*

Maybe I'll stick to commenting since no one seems to comment on my other stuff. My brother is a bit edgy (meaning excited and nervous at the same time) since no one really took a look at his stuff. In fact, he hasn't come to several past meetings has he? I'll talk to him, but it might help if people took a look at his stuff. So, could anyone just drop a line for him? Please? I'll delete this part of my message later. He'll die if he found out I posted this, but I'm worried.
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Tue Nov 24, 2009 10:32 pm

Ehhh. Yeah. I suppose.

Megan, by all means, continue posting. I'd just like you to be more careful with taking ideas. It's okay to be inspired, but you have refrain from copying in an obvious manner...
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PostSubject: Re: My Last Thoughts   Thu Nov 26, 2009 2:07 pm

Yeah, I know...

But sometimes my mind just goes with it and carries it too far.

My mind scares me sometimes...

And that's the truth. O>O
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