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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Is this our eternal fate?   Sat Oct 24, 2009 5:44 pm

Is this our eternal fate?
Will our foolishness abate?

I can’t help but hate
How we always hesitate

Faced with progression
We choose regression
And constantly question
The state of expression
Then dislike the impression
And commit acts of aggression

Technology will flower
Leading to our last hour
The false we empower
It’s the lies we devour
Pleased with the power
From which most cower

Misplacing the blame
So things stay the same
No one bares the shame
Ruining the cautious game
And setting beliefs aflame

We’re under the illusion
In the midst of confusion
Ignoring all the seclusion
Thinking it’s just a delusion
But the realistic conclusion
The world is in collusion

Our intelligence precedes
Our humanity recedes
We consume our needs
And perpetrate awful deeds
Our planet suffers and bleeds
Decaying at alarming speeds

How we always hesitate
I can’t help but hate

Will our foolishness abate?
Is this our eternal fate?
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The Blue Box

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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Sun Oct 25, 2009 11:18 am

HOW DO YOU DO ALL THOSE RHYMES :O
Okay. Sorry. But your rhyming skills are intense. I can't rhyme anything. (slash I don't try cause I can't be bothered...)
That aside, I like this a lot. I'm going to go all deep & IB & analytical, and say that the repetitive rhyme scheme (i.e. always the same rhyme for each stanza) emphasises the fact that you're talking about how it's a kind of vicious circle, the idea of actions repeating themselves. (is that coherent?) The rhymes and consistent 7 syllables (again. how are you so technically good.) are almost annoying (but in a good way Very Happy), it's like something hitting me over the head and definitely gets the message across.
The symmetry at the beginning and end is very cool, too. It would have been interesting if you could have done that with the rhymes, too (like, AAAAAA BBBBBB CCCCCC BBBBBB AAAAAA), but that might have been a bit too complex, even for you Wink
Also, the poem just begs to be read aloud :]

Do these ideas just come into your head?
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Sun Oct 25, 2009 5:23 pm

KATIE =] You rock at critiquing. Very Happy

Uuuh. I have this nifty site I refer to, to help find some rhymes to obscure words -- but it's alot of searching involved, and my head still has to work at like, putting it together coherently. But shhh! It's my secret ~ I like to think I'm resourceful. Razz So... does that answer your question, a little?

To tell you the truth, I wasn't counting syllables (so I didn't even know it was a consistent 7 <-- I like that number Very Happy *IBnerd*). I'm glad that the repitition was irritating/jarring -- and that the message got across. Very Happy It's one of my more blatant/explicit pieces -- I considered doing the symmetry thing with the stanzas, as interesting as the effect might have been, I personally felt that in this case it would be a little over the top -- and I also didn't do it because I wanted to talk about humanity in a more general sense. So the summation wouldn't have worked as well with the 'tions', because there were certain words I was gearing towards using.

What usually happens is... some random lines/verses pop into my head, either with really good imagery/theme and a non-hackneyed way of putting words together (does that make sense?), or some kind of one sentence description/essence/idea and then sometimes I develop it, sometimes I don't. So I guess, yeah, these things just kind of materialize in my brain.

I think that, if ever I was to become a rapper, this would be my song. But I feel that, with the persistent rhyming, there is a rhythm associated that is really a large part of it, so I would agree with you in that, the presentation of this poem is best when read aloud.
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The Blue Box

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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Sun Oct 25, 2009 6:26 pm

Well thank you Smile I wish I was as good a writer as I am a critiquer. Unfortunately I enjoy reading more than writing... and my writing always turns out like something I've read, anyway.... Hence why I joined PWN ^^

Haha, yes, question answered.
I now know that it's all a facade. You rely on websites to find cool rhymes. You are back among us mortals Wink

The proof that you are a huge IB nerd is that you thought of 7 as in IB whereas I thought of 7 as in the most magically powerful number Razz
And yeah, I agree that too much symmetry would have been over the top. Interesting, but a bit much.

Hmm, I think I need to pay more attention to my head. (i.e., to things that pop into my head.)
By a "non-hackneyed way of putting words together", you mean that it sounds nice?

Finally, I want you to know that because you mentioned it, I tried rapping your poem.
And it works very well.
And yes, you can laugh at the image of me rapping your poem.
And I think you should rap it for CB's Got Talent Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Sun Oct 25, 2009 7:25 pm

Well, for the record, I am very happy that you decided to grace us with your presence (sp?).

D: It's not a facade! ... see, this is where honesty gets you...
NOOO. I AM ABOVE MORTALS.
(Well... when you put it that way... what I mean is that, when I run into words like "orange" and cannot find a rhyme, then I use my secret website -- but it doesn't rhyme for me! D:) *a little defensive, because I am arrogant and vain* Razz

Heh. Very Happy Guilty as charged.

Alot of people should listen to their heads more often. And less so to their couilles(sp?) and coeurs(sp?). Razz
Well, in addition to simply sounding aesthetically pleasing, I also mean diction and syntax, in that, some things haven't be described like that before? Or, no one has ever used that word in conjunction with this word, but it makes sense?

OMG. Can you rap the poem for me? Very Happy
Haha, you should! I can't rap. XD
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The Blue Box

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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Sun Oct 25, 2009 7:58 pm

I know, I know, it's not a facade. And you have a legitimate right to be defensive, but also no need to be, because we know that you really are that good Smile
And yes, as can be seen by your avatar (and by your boots, cause no mortal would wear boots like that Wink ), you are clearly above mortals.

Ahahaha, I like how you remember that song.
Yes, I understand what you mean now about non-hackneyed. And that is a superb way of putting it.

And I can't rap, either. I'd never rapped before. I just kind of pretended to be a rapper Razz (and, oddly, it came out with a british accent...)
You will have to do something very, very nice to me to get me to rap it.
I'm trying to think what that very, very nice thing could be... helping me not fail history? Very Happy
Ask me again tomorrow Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Mon Oct 26, 2009 4:15 pm

Razz As you can see... I have a fairly large ego, which is at odds to my stature -- NONETHELESS (hey, am I taller than you?) -- haha. Well, the defensiveness, was in part, me playing along Very Happy and pretending to be all righteous -- I hope you don't think I'm actually thaaaat arrogant. Razz

Smile

Okay, that I HAVE to hear.
Uuuuh. I don't know if I could do that, to tell you the truth, I was considering asking you for help at history.
Is there anything else? XP Too bad the DARING week is over (DARE TO REMEMBER?).
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Wed Mar 03, 2010 11:04 pm

I would LOVE to hear this expressed in a rap flavoured with a British accent. cheers

I agree with Katie: it kind of got rapped in my head, too.
This is brilliant!
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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Wed Mar 03, 2010 11:52 pm

I think we should make her doooo it.
We shooooould.

Thanks!
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The Blue Box

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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Thu Mar 04, 2010 7:46 am

Erm, I wouldn't exactly say that my attempt at rapping was 'flavoured' with a British accent... more like, a very 'sarf lundun' (south London) rap. Erm. If I remember rightly..?
And I want compensation if you're going to make me do it Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Thu Mar 04, 2010 5:26 pm

OKAY!
What kind of compensation?
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The Blue Box

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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Fri Mar 05, 2010 8:08 am

...Uh oh, now I'll actually have to do it? Well, it'll be a one-time thing, only for the ears of PWN.
As for compensation.......... hrmmm. I'll have a think. Twisted Evil Unless you have any ideas?
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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Sun Mar 07, 2010 12:15 pm

What was our idea again?
I know you're supposed to rap... but I was supposed to wear something?
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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Mon Mar 08, 2010 8:20 am

Oh... yeah, we had a good one, didn't we. drat. I don't remember. Why don't you have a look in your wardrobe and find the most awesome thing, and then maybe you'll remember Wink


Oh no wait!! Was it that you were going to wear one shoe and one flip-flop? I think so Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Is this our eternal fate?   Tue Mar 09, 2010 7:06 pm

Oh. right. Very Happy And like pants with only one pant leg?
We're definitely hanging out over the summer then.
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