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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Heart   Wed Oct 21, 2009 5:45 pm

Fragile like frosted flower petals sparkling in the cold
Filled with secrets and glittering gold – I just wanted to hold
It closer, to hear its hushed whispers, understand its beauty
To feel its beat beneath my fingertips, its life giving duty
But it stopped and there was no electrical signal, no spark
The blood rushing out of my veins and arteries, left in the dark
Until I was cold and white and frozen in fear of the truth
My conscience screamed as it pulsed and ached

I just didn’t know how easily it could break.
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root vegetable

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PostSubject: Re: Heart   Wed Oct 21, 2009 6:32 pm

Woaow. (Said in the same way Mme. Labrie says it; if you know what i mean?)

So, I confess: the first read-through I did of this left me going "awww .. wait. what?" and then I re-read it, and now I think I get it. (watch me be wrong as fuck :/)

It seems to me that someone was viewing something from afar; popularity, perhaps? something they wanted real bad; a sort of aching longing. "Filled with secrets and glittering gold – I just wanted to hold / It closer, to hear its hushed whispers, understand its beauty"
They got whatever they were after; to use the popularity example, they got with the 'in' crowd, but for reasons I'm not quite sure of, whatever they wanted ...stopped. As if it were something previously moving, and now it's still; or something previously living that's died. And now that whatever it is is gone, they realize that they had to invest everything they had to achieve it, but there's nothing left for them. "The blood rushing out of my veins and arteries, left in the dark / Until I was cold and white and frozen in fear of the truth" Sort of like people who get screwed-over when they put their life savings into a scam, and when the culprit behind it is caught, they're left with nothing.
And the last bit is their conscious, doing exactly what it says its doing; and them reacting exactly the way it says they're reacting. "My conscience screamed as it pulsed and ached / I just didn’t know how easily it could break." Implying that they were, at some level, aware of how what they were going after was 'bad'; or shallow, or morally irresponsible, or whatever, but they've lost their conscious doing it.

About the poem itself, i really like your style; the simple AA BB CC... rhyming scheme, and how you'll just flow over into a new line if the rhyming scheme requires you to. The fact that you separated the last line really drives home the feeling of loss, and regret, and knowing that you can't fix what you broke. It leaves you feeling ... as if you're missing something internal. Sort of the "a part of me left when I lost ___".

All in all: bravo!


...now how about starting that comedy thing, eh? XP
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Heart   Thu Oct 22, 2009 5:41 pm

Haha, I totally know what you mean. And as a side-note -- I really like her voice. It's all smooth and silken and... heh.

Oh, and btw. Interesting analysis. Razz I never thought it would convey popularity, but I'm glad that the idea of loss came through. I was writing - somewhat - metaphorically - about heartbreak. Since we just had an entire bio unit about the heart, which I LOVE, cause I'm kinda like Cristina Yang that way in GA.

So I was really just playing with what the heart represents, physically and symbolically, with a little backstory behind it -- which I don't expect anyone to fully get (the backstory, that is).

ANYWAYS. Thanks for the wonderful crit yo Very Happy

Annnnd how about not.
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Traverse Writer

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PostSubject: Re: Heart   Thu Oct 22, 2009 9:33 pm

Hey Angela!

Time for me to do some crit or else everyone would have said it for me. XD Otherwise people will ask me, "why haven't you crit or commented me?" And I'll be like... *tears and bawls* literally! TT_TT

"Fragile like frosted flower petals sparkling in the cold" I like the imagery about the first line, it draws you into the poem. It reminds me how easy for us to get hurt from cruel words and mean actions.

To mean the poem reminded of popularity like Linsday pointed out. But, I think it can also represent life and death, innocence and loss. No offense, your poem scared me. Which I think is a compliment in a way that it jolted my mind into thinking about it. I've read it a whole bunch of times already and I still get scared. It because it's the truth. I think that's why its one of my favourites so far from you, Angela.

And truth be told, the heart is MY FAVOURITE TOO. Very Happy

Filled with secrets and glittering gold – I just wanted to hold
It closer, to hear its hushed whispers, understand its beauty
To feel its beat beneath my fingertips, its life giving duty

These parts, I love! There's something magical about how they were weaved into being. It tells what the heart represents and its meaning. I dont' know what else to say, really. XD Other than, it flows very nicely. I just love it!

Blame me if I suck at being a crit. I'm a hopeless case. XD
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Little Monte

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PostSubject: Re: Heart   Thu Oct 22, 2009 10:45 pm

Sorry, first time ever giving criticism on writing.

I Really liked the flow of it. Loved the imagery with the heart and using euphony to explain it. I got the feel of the coldness of love when I read the poem and how it can leave someone vulnerable to be emotionally hurt. I really, specifically liked, "Fragile like frosted flower petals sparkling in the coldUntil I was cold and white and frozen in fear of the truth"
Near the end though I realized nothing rhymed with "truth" which was a little awkward to read.
Other than that it was good! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Heart   Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:06 pm

Haaa. I didn't even notice that I left that there.
Thanks for pointing that out, Chris.
Don't be sorry! That was good crit. Very Happy

And Megan, thank you for your comments. Razz I'm glad it make you think.=]

Funny say it's one of your favourites... Truth is, it came to me and I wrote it in about ten minutes before I left for tkd. XD
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PostSubject: Re: Heart   Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:09 pm

I think I kind of skipped over it when I realized nothing rhymed with truth. And then forgot that it's the only line without a rhyme. D:

... I'm going to have to fix that.
I'm rather anal (for the lack of a better word) about symmetry. Or if it's going to be asymmetrical -- it has to be done well.
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