Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Alcohol Mon Jan 26, 2009 8:00 pm | |
| she likes the bittersweet taste on her tongue knowing that its warm caress will linger with the night still young
she likes the spinning that blurs the world into the depths of its dark contents that tantalizingly swirled
she likes the nausea that threatens to spill numbing her heart, hurting her head as she continues to drink her fill
she likes the weakness that brings her to her knees where she will stay until tomorrow forever addicted, and tainted with disease
she drowns herself in the comforting bottles of bliss so she can forget the things she doesn’t want to miss
[feedback?]
Last edited by Dark S3cret on Sun Mar 07, 2010 12:13 pm; edited 1 time in total | |
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Delrez
Number of posts : 26 Registration date : 2009-01-23
| Subject: Re: Alcohol Sun Feb 01, 2009 9:51 pm | |
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Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Re: Alcohol Tue Feb 10, 2009 5:14 pm | |
| Thanks, Alex. Any in-depth comments? | |
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Owle Gray
Number of posts : 163 Age : 31 Registration date : 2010-02-26
| Subject: Re: Alcohol Sat Mar 06, 2010 2:48 am | |
| I like how, at first, there is no rhyme (between tongue and young), and a loose rhyme (around world and swirled), but then the rhyming develops - it feels like she is being entrapped, ensnared by her drinking pattern. That is what made it so powerful, for me. And then, when it goes from 'she likes' to 'she drowns herself' : because this new phrase is longer, it gives me the illusion that this is an overflowing, desperate flow-of-conciousness. And, obviously, the last stanza is WiCKED. (good) BUT first stanza, third line: 'its' not 'it's'! It burns my eyes. | |
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Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Re: Alcohol Sun Mar 07, 2010 12:14 pm | |
| =]
I fixed it. Thank you for spotting. I hate typos. >.> They should die. | |
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