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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Raining Memories   Wed Oct 07, 2009 6:16 pm

It’s always in the night
When you crawl beneath your covers
When you close your eyes from the light

The memories flood your mind like rain
And you can see them play like clouds
Voices like thunder thudding through your frame

It’s impossible to avoid the puddles of the past
You can try to step over them, but you know that
Without rain boots you’re never going to last
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root vegetable

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PostSubject: Re: Raining Memories   Wed Oct 07, 2009 6:38 pm

Ooohhh, i like this Very Happy:D:D

The ABA CDC EFE rhyming scheme is simple, yet it gets the job done quite nicely here.
It really gives off the feel of defeat; of being overwhelmed by something, even though you don't want it, but you have no choice but to put up with it. Like water-boarding, i guess :/ You just have to put up with getting bombarded over and over and over again with stuff, and even though it sucks, you have to deal with it until its over.

The alliteration in the last line of the second verse, and the first line of the third one. Those were both so ...impacting(?). With the last line in the second verse, the 'th's you feel as if you're getting hammered by something, and every time you try to get back up, you're slammed down again. And in the first line on the last verse, the 'p's give off a dejected feeling.

I like the imagery. Of getting beaten down by the rain, and it's completely out of your control, and even though you try to make it, you know that without the help you're just not going to.

In conclusion: melike (:
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The Blue Box

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PostSubject: Re: Raining Memories   Wed Oct 07, 2009 10:35 pm

So I'm getting involved Smile

I really, really like this. And I'm going to try to be more articulate than that.

I feel like I can relate to this, that you've really pinpointed a specific feeling that I personally get. I think I like the last stanza best, it's very effective and poignant - the "without rain boots" bit especially. It also feels slightly childish, but not in a bad way; reminiscent of childhood as opposed to immature - the whole imagery of the 'crawling beneath the covers' and 'puddles' and 'rain boots' contributes to that I think.

Rereading it, though, the only thing I'm not 'getting' is the line, "And you can see them play like clouds". I'm sorry about that, because it's very pretty, but to me clouds seem happy whereas the 'voices like thunder' that you talk about afterwards aren't. So I'm a little emotionally confused there.
Apart from that, though, I can really feel the sharp darkness in stanza 1, then the dark, navy blue deluge in #2, and then the somewhat but not a whole lot lighter post-rain period in #3. If that makes any sense? That was how it was to me, anyway.
(And I agree with Lindsay (it is Lindsay, right?) about the alliteration etc. I didn't want to repeat it though.)

-KATIE
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PostSubject: Re: Raining Memories   Thu Oct 08, 2009 5:24 pm

HIIII.
So first off, I'd like to say HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE your participation (both of you) and the GOOD FEEDBACK, you have given me.

Also, yay, some real CRIT!

To LINDSAY:
- I didn't notice the aliteration myself really, but I suppose the "th" sounding like being hammered.
- also, about alliteration, our dear Mr.Puig said that alliteration should be 3 or more in order to be considered... although I think it's a flexible rule, to be honest. Anyway, that was just a note of interest.
- I definitely tried to make a connection with feeling to "rainy" imagery -- kinda extended metaphor-ish.

To KATIE:
- I AM VERY HAPPY THAT YOU'RE PARTICIPATING Very Happy No seriously, it makes my day.
- But a feeling that's kind of hard to articulate really... isn't it? I couldn't find a word for it. This kind of came to me as a vague idea, which formed into the:

The memories flood your mind like rain,
And you can see them play like clouds.


So then I just ran with it. (It's short and tiny because I have commitment issues).
I love writing about the rain, and have been trying constantly to portray it in a non-hackneyed way, although I believe this is a little cliche, in a sense...
- I find it endlessly fascinating to hear what other people get from it (which kind of makes me wonder if the books we read in class only became classics by accident -- if you're confused by this remark, ask and I will explain later). So I really like how you broke it up into the darkness, rainy-deluge and post rain.
- As for the "playing clouds" and "voices like thunder" -- it was sort of supposed to be emotionally confusing, because on the one hand all the memories aren't all that bad... I believe if I had included of the lines that I had deleted, it might have made more sense, although explicit is sometimes too in-your-face. The line was something like "And you're torn between wanting to remember and forgetting" but it sounded awk, didn't match the metaphor, and was an extra line. So I axed it. But does that make any more sense? Razz
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: Raining Memories   Sat Mar 06, 2010 2:41 am

I REALLY, REALLY like this!

It made me gasp for breath with its quiet beauty.
I particlarly liked the second stanza, with 'thunder thudding' - alliteration, the consonance; and 'memories flood your mind' - I think it's something like symmetry...

My FAV among the works of yours that I have read so far... ^_^


Last edited by Owle Gray on Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:21 am; edited 1 time in total
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Raining Memories   Sun Mar 07, 2010 12:18 pm

Yay. Thank youu. Very Happy I am glad you like it.

P.S. you spelt thunder wrong. Razz
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: Raining Memories   Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:21 am

affraid Oooops. pale

It was 1:41 am. Not that that's an excuse.
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: Raining Memories   Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:23 am

HEY! I can FIX it!!!! No one has to know!!! Embarassed
Honestly, I didn't know I could edit.
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PostSubject: Re: Raining Memories   Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:46 am

LOL.
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