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 Far in the West

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Delrez

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Number of posts : 26
Registration date : 2009-01-23

PostSubject: Far in the West   Fri Mar 13, 2009 9:31 pm

So this is a little sea-ballad I came up with a while ago while studying for a Math test. I probably won't have any Internet access this week (March Break) because I'm staying in a farmhouse outside of Quebec City. (My family hasn't quite grasped the idea of going south for March Break yet.) Anyway, since there's more members now I'm hoping I'll get a little more feedback for this.


Far in the West, beyond the grass,
Beyond the rivers, smooth as glass,
Beyond the shore, there lies the Sea.
The ever crashing, roaring Sea;
Who swells when angered to great heights
And lies calm through the starry nights;
And waits always for sight of ye
Come to gaze upon her beauty.

Among the swells, there sail great ships;
Playthings of waves, between their tips.
And little boats, and straight canoes,
Easy in waves of sight to lose.
If the mariner's heart is pure,
She may sent fish to take their lure
And pull them home, they in her debt
Will praise her all their lives, and yet;
If that sailor's heart is black,
Then she, the Sea, will turn her back
Or send them to their wat'ry grave
On the back of some high, cold wave.

But when she's calm, she's smooth as glass,
Or ripples like the wind on grass.
And in the evening sun she shines,
And light will dance in skipping lines,
And then the clouds, her friends, will glow,
Even as the sun sets below.

But also can she be so cold,
She will not care if you grow old
And tired of her unceasing wit,
For in a fog though lantern's lit,
She may with a gust snuff it out
Without even a warning shout.
And she takes not always your bait.
She's slower to your love than hate.
She may sent ye crashing to doom;
A jagged rock in mist may loom,
Or swirling water that sinks ships
Before a cry might part your lips.
Terrible monsters lurking are
Beneath the water, never far,
Who without due warning lurch ye
Into the cold merciless Sea.

Far in the East, there lies the shore,
Which my sore eyes will see no more.
For long ago, she swallowed me.
The ever crashing, roaring Sea;
Who swells when angered to great heights
And lies calm through the starry nights;
And watches ever over me,
My great and cruel doom, the Sea.


Last edited by Delrez on Sat Mar 21, 2009 9:04 pm; edited 1 time in total
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root vegetable

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Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-26

PostSubject: Re: Far in the West   Fri Mar 13, 2009 11:57 pm

O.O
wow. so, i somewhat hate poetry, like, hardcore; but every so often there comes along a poem with something that is so great, that it is spared my redhead anger/rage.
This is one of those poems.
It may be because i like the sea/ocean/water in general, but i really, really loved this. the imagery was beautiful; i got this bizarre feeling of being back in labrador. ...where i haven't lived/visited since i was about 4. so, yeah...
but really; you've managed to really capture wha the sea is, and you do it justice. good on you.
The rhyming was nice, and its simplicity made it that much... more, i dont know. and the ending, how it was from the point of view of someone who died at sea, and the comment about 'protecting', was fabulous. (that word is not nearly good enough to convey what im trying to convey, my sincerest appolgies)
in short: GREAT.
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Far in the West   Sat Mar 14, 2009 10:48 pm

First off -- favourite lines:

Or send them to their wat'ry grave
On the Back of some high, cold wave.

But when she's calm, she's smooth as glass,
Or ripples like the wind on grass.

She's slower to your love than hate.

Or swirling water that sinks ships
Before a cry might part your lips.

Secondly -- (enumeration -- because I can't seem to do anything else):
- great rhymes -- they aren't the cheap, overused kinds
- has the tone of one of those nice, epic poems of long ago
- the ending could be stronger, but it gives a good closure
- your diction pleases me Very Happy

(really minor) Suggestions:
- some of the lines seem a little off, syllable wise
- ... stanza formatting?
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Delrez

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PostSubject: Re: Far in the West   Sat Mar 21, 2009 12:55 pm

Yeah, at first I was going to do iambic pentameter but then I said SCREW IT, THIS ISN'T WORKING. As for stanza formatting, I kind of like the inconsistency of the lengths, but I suppose I could I could improve...
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Far in the West   Sat Mar 21, 2009 3:10 pm

Haha, that's my reaction most of the time. I kind of personally hate iambic pentameter. ;]

It's fine if you keep it this way. Those suggestions were more for the sake of having a few suggestions more than anything else.

Oh another thing -- the fact that it was a narration in a poem was kinda awesome. ;]
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Delrez

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PostSubject: Re: Far in the West   Sat Mar 21, 2009 9:07 pm

Originally I was going to actually tell the guy's story, about how he journeyed west and fell in love with the Sea, became a fisherman, married and had kids, then set out on the voyage from which he would not return, but that I never really got that rolling. I might do another poem about the guy, a more personal one.
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Far in the West   Sat Mar 21, 2009 10:11 pm

Sounds good -- let me know when it gets done.
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Delrez

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PostSubject: Re: Far in the West   Sun Mar 22, 2009 9:29 am

Actually I started and it's more of a narrative. No rhyming.
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cheesemonster

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PostSubject: Re: Far in the West   Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:51 am

I dislike the concept of an iambic pentameter with such a passion it is ridiculous O.o

I had to do 2 for english and it took me forfreackingever O.o
AAHHH

sorry I really liked you poem it seemed like a love poem to the sea to me =].

I to hate poems cuz most of them are so dark and gloommyyy but I still liked this one so FEEL PROUD ALEX =D.

whenever I make poems they always turn out to be freacking jokes and just funny =]
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