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 Empty Cities, Empty Futures

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Traverse Writer

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Number of posts : 114
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-22

PostSubject: Empty Cities, Empty Futures   Wed Feb 11, 2009 11:16 pm

EMPTY CITIES, EMPTY FUTURES



Slowly, the soft light
begins to disappear.
Somewhere beyond
the horizon so far, yet
the future does not wait.

Alone, yet fearless, journeying forth into
the shadows of something long forgotten.

Somewhere along the way,
I’ll find you standing there
The soft light engulfing us
shining brightly,
like never before

Still, I feel so alone, yet, I know,
that you’ll come and find me

To the cities, long emptied
among the abandoned streets
I know, you’ll find me

Slowly, the soft light
begins to disappear.
Somewhere beyond
the horizon so far, yet
the future does not wait.

The sky trembles underneath the tears
that falls onto the land, forever creating
and recreating the puddles of our sorrows.

But the shining sun of the new day,
the new era, brings hope and peace.
To the place where I'll be, waiting,
endlessly for your calling voice,
and your vibrant smiling face...


_______________________________________________________________________________

I guess these could be lyrics or a poem too.

Not really sure where I was going with this one.

Please some feedback, if you can. It will be highly welcomed. Very Happy


Last edited by Traverse Writer on Mon Mar 16, 2009 5:48 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Dark S3cret
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Number of posts : 458
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Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: Empty Cities, Empty Futures   Sat Mar 14, 2009 11:16 pm

I really like how the second last stanza is a repetition of the first -- I tend to do that myself. The stanza itself is very eloquent, though simple, it still is very pretty. The words just seem to fit.

I have a bit of an issue with the last bit:

So, come on, alright?
I’ll be waiting there.


The so come on, alright? seems a little out of place for me. The entire poem seems to be reminiscient, you know, the soft beckoning tone, and then that last bit sort of just... changes it all. Too abruptly without much hint at it throughout.
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Traverse Writer

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Number of posts : 114
Age : 25
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PostSubject: Re: Empty Cities, Empty Futures   Mon Mar 16, 2009 2:51 pm

O.o

Well, that wasn't there before.... I'm not sure why it's there to tell you the truth. XD

But, yes, what you say is the flat out truth. I'll change it to something better, right now.

*goes off to do it* There. Is that better?
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Empty Cities, Empty Futures   Tue Mar 17, 2009 12:22 am

Mmmm. Much better. =]
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