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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: hurricane   Tue Feb 10, 2009 5:25 pm

like a hurricane

she came along
and tore you away from your sanity
she sucked you in against your will

twirling

spinning

you around until your eyes were filled
with tears and you couldn’t see a thing
because the world had become
a senseless blur

but you didn’t really care

and just when you
had gotten used to it all
she spat you out, dumped you back
to where you used to be
leaving you

bruised

broken

bloody

and all alone again

you try so hard to find a way
to stand on your own two feet again

but your knees are weak
you can’t think straight
you stumble and fall
to your knees

and try as you might
you can’t ignore the cold

you hate
yourself for remembering
but you can’t help missing
the warmth of her skin
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root vegetable

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PostSubject: Re: hurricane   Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:08 pm

heeeey there babe

so, some (hopefully? well, its intended to be) constructive feedback:
i think it might be a little ... i wouldnt say better, because there's nothing wrong with it (youll see what i mean; not that you dont ALREADY know theres nothing wrong with it, of cource) but maybe if you were to have some form of set structure to it; if one verse/paragraph thing/i dont know poetry is going to be x many lines, others like it should be aswell?
and at the end, the last stanza; is that the word im looking for? (the last verse/paragraph thing) maybe if it was similar to the first one??
you can totes ignore everything i just said; as previously mentioned i know jack about poetry, but the things i pointed out u could change are also what make it unique, so remember that (and not just in a 'your unique and special and different from everyone else' way either; the fact that it doesnt fall into a rhythm makes it fun)
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PostSubject: Re: hurricane   Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:45 pm

=DD
Hey there SEXY.

Yeah, I know what you mean. The syllabic measure or whatnot. Because often free-verse does still have a set number of syllables per verse, etc. I will consider your suggestions. And thank you very much for giving in-depth feedback.

The only thing I have to say is that this initially was a paragraph -- just one extended metaphor, but I decided that converting it into poetry format would have an interesting touch.
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PostSubject: Re: hurricane   Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:47 pm

So... that was my explanation as to why there isn't any set structure to it -- that said, I prefer not to be so pedantic about things like that, although having an exact number of syllables does sometimes make it flow better? Or just sound better. And also, you know, bragging rights. XD
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PostSubject: Re: hurricane   Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:59 pm

and this is why i love you Very Happy
*the above was in referance to how you effectively, elqouently, beautifly, poetically went 'oh yeah? UP YOURS, BITCH' to the idea of making it mundane and blah with all those fancy terms about syllables & whatnot ;P

it started out as a paragraph, eh?
thats mighty interesting; now im curious to see what could come of it if it were to turn back into a paragraph, and be continued, maybe? (several possibilities include: it is just as fabulous as its 'FUCK YOU' poetic twin; the meaning and imagery are lost since there wouldnt be the visual structure of a poem; all of nothing could happen cuz you dont have to do it, its currently just fucking fabulous, thankyouverymuch)
<3
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PostSubject: Re: hurricane   Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:09 pm

HEYY
THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION
I WASN'T TRYING TO SAY THAT

DDD:
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PostSubject: Re: hurricane   Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:09 pm

But I love you too. =D
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Traverse Writer

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PostSubject: Re: hurricane   Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:22 pm

O.o

I have no idea what just went on, but I think the poem was nicely done. Maybe too bloody for me, but hey, it's a poem.

Now, I know I need to give feedback, so here goes nothing.

*takes deep breath*

The poem structure was different yet it flowed (downwards that is.) But it's unique in differencing your style from others, which is cool too. The description is very interesting in the sense of how to worded and the poem structure. The single words made more impact than the multi-lined ones.

I actually can't think of any others, (of course chance are I have forgotten them, because I'm doing several things at once or that someone else has already said it on me.)

But if I do, I'll make sure to inculded it.
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PostSubject: Re: hurricane   Wed Feb 11, 2009 7:32 pm

Thanks to you too, Megan. =]

But might I ask why it's bloody?

0.0
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PostSubject: Re: hurricane   Wed Feb 11, 2009 7:40 pm

The part with this:

"leaving you

bruised

broken

bloody

and all alone again"

Not to say its that bloody, it's just I have a vivid mind and picture it like a movie. It's meant as a complement from me. Very Happy

That's all.

I hope I wasn't being too vague or strange....
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PostSubject: Re: hurricane   Fri Feb 13, 2009 1:05 pm

Nope. S'all good.
Thanks Megan.
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