HomeCalendarFAQSearchMemberlistRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 (extended metaphor project - take 1)

Go down 
AuthorMessage
Dark S3cret
Admin
avatar

Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:20 pm

Her heart pounds out a brutal, battering beat as she moves. She watches him, with fascination and fear as he moves with her. Beads of perspiration weave trails across her skin. She grits her teeth, bracing herself for each impact, desperately trying to ignore the screaming of her muscles on fire. She knows he feels the same fatigue. He slides forward, she shifts back. He spins, she pivots. The space between them contracts, expands, collides and explodes, dictated by rhythm. The pace picks up; they know it’s almost over. Breaths come in short bursts. Minds are let loose, shut down. At this point, they obey only instinct. There is no stopping it. Right, right, out, in, circle counter-clockwise, left, left, in, out, circle clockwise. There is no time for thought, no time for hesitation; only action and reaction.

Suddenly it’s over, and they gaze into each other, searching for satisfaction. They lean in, knowing they’ve found it. The moment may be over for now, but she’s found someone who can keep up with her and he’s found someone who can push him to the limit. They come apart slowly, reluctantly. She blinks at him, exhausted. His lips curl. “Thank you,” he says. “That was a great fight.”

They smile and look at each other with a knowing in their eyes. They’ll both be back tomorrow to do it all again.


Last edited by Dark S3cret on Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:37 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Owle Gray

avatar

Number of posts : 163
Age : 25
Registration date : 2010-02-26

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:35 pm

HEY! I was a-working on an extended metaphor! Evil or Very Mad Oh. Nothing like this Razz ok. Twisted Evil

Okay.... care to share what the metaphor is of? 'cause if the reality that this is resting on is a fight, maybe make it more brutish?

'cause I glimpsed figure skating in this >.>

Also: 'The moment may be over for now, but she’s found someone who can keep up with her, he’s found someone who can push him to the limit. '

I stumbled over that sentence when reading. Perhaps separate with a semicolon/and// divide up into diff. sentences altogether?
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Dark S3cret
Admin
avatar

Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:41 pm

.... those devil faces kind of scare me.

LOL figure skating? Niiiice.
Mmm... well. It's not like a full on fight. In a way you're not that off with picturing figure skating because fighting or at least, sparring, is alot like dance in terms of movement and rhythm. And not brutish. In that it's never really full contact, but there is some pain... Make sense, kind of?

Well. I was thinking. Since I make everything sound kind of sexual, why not ACTUALLY try and make it sound sexual?

I added an and to beak up the sentence nicer. ;] Better?
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Owle Gray

avatar

Number of posts : 163
Age : 25
Registration date : 2010-02-26

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:44 pm

Better ^_^

Oh, I saw the sex. It was just such an integral part of your work I find it is no longer worth mentioning. Smile Smile Smile

I was just confused about what you were actually describing. I say, if it's a fight, add some more brute force enhancements/imagery.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Owle Gray

avatar

Number of posts : 163
Age : 25
Registration date : 2010-02-26

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:46 pm

Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil
just to spook you Smile

LOL, it's like the voices in my head have lined up

It IS interesting that, IMHO, when you try and aim at making it sound sexual, it is not nearly as effective... There just isn't as much of an adrenaline rush for me with this one.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Dark S3cret
Admin
avatar

Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:51 pm

I know. >.> I felt that too.
I think it's because I really want to churn out something with this idea as the core, but I don't have any real ... creative juice fueling the machine that makes divine creations.
You know? It's like forcing yourself to do a prompt when you're not in the mood to write.

Hm... I'll try writing some other versions when I'm more skilled. ;]
Back to top Go down
View user profile
The Blue Box

avatar

Number of posts : 62
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-10-04

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sat Mar 20, 2010 8:15 pm

OMG AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE SPARRING.

Smile

This was such a damn accurate description of how it is to fight. I'm not graceful, mostly I'm just trying to get by without taking too many punches, but when it's good, it's like this.
"Minds are let loose, shut down. At this point, they obey only instinct. [...] There is no time for thought, no time for hesitation; only action and reaction."
Exactly.

Oookay, sorry, there was a lack of coherency/constructive crit in that. But.
Well, my only criticism perhaps is this - I find there's a slight lack of consistency/smooth transition between the first paragraph and the second. I know it's not sex (although damn, it's hot Wink ), but if you were attempting to make it so, you might need a climax, as it were. I imagine you're talking about tkd sparring, where it's time-controlled - maybe you could talk about the moment when the bell goes or something? I don't know. Just a though.

But yes, I like.

PS, the sex obsession we have going cracks me up XD I can't wait to write in your yearbooks Wink
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Owle Gray

avatar

Number of posts : 163
Age : 25
Registration date : 2010-02-26

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sat Mar 20, 2010 8:17 pm

OK, I am soooo keeping my yearbook away from you.

Razz

Although that collection of works for PWN that Angela was talking about... Is that still going on?
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Dark S3cret
Admin
avatar

Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:59 pm

OMG I HOPE SO, but I need help getting organized. I don't really know where we can get a nicely bound book done... do you?

AHAHA. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE US YULIYA.

Yeah... I'm going to try tweaking it as the days go by, hopefully during one of those days it'll just come to me and it'll be all genius. I willl keep both your suggestions in mind, for they are very valuable. I don't really have any good ideas at the moment... I suspect I used up whatever talent I had with the Academia can be so very suffocating...

Anyway. A climax is definitely a good idea to have. Like Yuliya said, it lacks a certain oomph to it, you know? Like it's a description... and then that's it. It just ends.

P.S. Sex? What sex? I suppose it's normal. We're teenagers and writers. I.e. That's how you get the sex and the obsession combination.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Dark S3cret
Admin
avatar

Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sat Mar 20, 2010 11:00 pm

Because both Katie and I are ninjas.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
The Blue Box

avatar

Number of posts : 62
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-10-04

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sat Mar 20, 2010 11:29 pm

Ahahaha, since I already messed up your yearbook from last year, right Yuliya? :$

But oomph would be good, yeah. Although as you said you're off the hook for a while seeing how good Academia can be so very suffocating was Wink

Also, what, ninjas? Who mentioned ninjas? (Slash, what are you doing, nobody's supposed to know.)
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Owle Gray

avatar

Number of posts : 163
Age : 25
Registration date : 2010-02-26

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sun Mar 21, 2010 12:19 am

*Double-checks yearbook*

Yes you did, and I will never forgive you, even though I implied I would. Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil See all those faces in my 3rd post on this thread? They are all after you now. >:[

Angela:
No, I don't know a good book-binding place Crying or Very sad
I'm glad you've decided to rework this. Don't force it and it will come. Smile
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Dark S3cret
Admin
avatar

Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   Sun Mar 21, 2010 11:29 am

I mean. NINJA, as in no income, no job, no assets.
Not ... eh. Oui.

OKAY YULIYA STOP USING THOSE CREEPY DEVIL FACES OR I AM GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE LEGAL ACTION FOR INTENTIONALLY DISTURBING MY UNSTABLE STATE OF MIND

Hm... we should do some research...
Hope so! If only school was like that. ;]
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: (extended metaphor project - take 1)   

Back to top Go down
 
(extended metaphor project - take 1)
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Hobsonville Project....
» 1995 z28 Drag Car Roller Project For Sale
» Stereo 70 project
» My-HiME Big Bang Project?
» New Project

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
P.W.N. People Writing Nonsense! :: GRADUATES :: Short Stories-
Jump to: