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The Blue Box

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PostSubject: For Once.   Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:11 pm

OMG KATIE WROTE SOMETHING WITHOUT BEING ASKED :O
(Slash without Yuliya failing Wink )

Anyway. Here goes. I'm nervous.




For Once.

She hands over the paper quickly, before she can change her mind. Then she stands, uncertain, tugging at her hair, rubbing the back of her neck, chewing her lip – betraying the trepidation galumphing around in the pit of her stomach. She’s done all she can. This moment lasts forever, as her friend reads, slowly, oh so slowly. But not slowly enough.
A million thoughts are racing through her mind, some nice ones gaining ground but always, always being tripped up unfairly by the bad, the ugly, the thugs who slowly but surely convince her that this was a bad idea, what are you doing, you lunatic, did you really think she’d say yes? You’re so weird. You’ve probably lost a friend. You’re such a dork. Dork, dork, dork.
Meanwhile, the ambivalent ones flip-flop back and forth – what if she doesn’t understand? But this is cute. You should have been more direct. But she’ll appreciate it this way. Should have just written it outright. But she likes things that are done differently. There’s nothing wrong with getting to the point. But this makes a nicer story. Ah, but it’s awkward. No it’s not. Who are you kidding, you feel it, here, now, it’s awkward.
Finally, the slow, injured, optimistic notions drag themselves up and keep trying to make themselves heard, calling weakly, keep at it, good for you, you took a risk, be proud, you won’t have anything to regret this time. For once. Come on, chin up, well done, you might even get a positive response. At this point, anything’s possible. You’ve done all you could.
And it’s true. She’s done all she can, and still she stands there, unsure of where to look – she doesn’t want to stare, stare at perfect hands holding the paper that reveals all, stare at perfect eyes concealed behind a curtain of perfect hair, but she can’t think where else to look. There is nothing else. In this moment, it’s just them. Her. Caught in a time loop, that goes on and on, the same actions repeating themselves – tug hair. Rub neck. Chew lip. Stare. Repeat. Fidget, fidget, fidget.
Unannounced, the perfect hands slowly fold the paper and crease it with perfect nails. She starts, her gaze snapping to the perfect eyes – but they remain hidden, boring a hole into the ground somewhere near her own feet. Slowly, they lift, studying her shoes, her jeans, her shirt, until finally their eyes meet.
And for the first time in her life she sees into another soul, and understands what is there. It is as if their eyes are emitting beams of light that carve through the air and pass through each other, merging to become one, carrying thoughts and feelings and moments and comprehension across the gap between them, and slowly that gap becomes smaller, and the thoughts and feelings and moments become one, and then the beams of light cease to be but it’s okay because another causeway has opened up between them, and they are pouring all they have into each other, and it was all worth it. For once.
People move around them, unaware of the great pivotal moment they are just walking past. This is it. The stars align. For once.




Putting in all those italics was a pain in the bum Razz
And I've reread this about ten times, and I think it says what I want it to, but I want to know what other people get out of it to see if it works. Criticism would be appreciated (although praise will not be refused Wink ).
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Wed Mar 17, 2010 7:18 pm

I hesitated for over a minute before replying; it felt like I would be interrupting something divine. That's how good it was. You made it SOOO realistic, it's goosebump-inducing!

Since you asked for crit:
'Finally, the slow, injured, optimistic notions drag themselves up ' (4th paragraph-ish)
I would take away the finally. It stops the rush when I feel it should be continued. 'For once' makes for a much better stop.

Among my fav's:
the alliteration in paragraph 2
the syntax
the diction: galumphing, ambivalent
the sprinkled commas giving it an appropriate rushing feeling
'Dork, dork, dork.' Smile
The penultimate paragraph and the emphasis on comprehension
The unfailing epithet of 'perfect'

But all these pale in view of the situation they carry across. Honest. Perfect.
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Fri Mar 19, 2010 11:44 am

Okay. This may sound like a silly/stupid request, but I'm afraid I might have missed something crucial which explains the entire situation, but I'm assuming that this is how you feel when you ask someone to read your writing? In the case that I am completely, irrevocably wrong, which is very likely, will you enlighten me about the divine workings of your mind?

All that said, I really really loved it. Like, actually. So you should post more. Said as a request, but really meant as a command. Razz
The repetition is

crap. gotta go. i'll finish this later.
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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Fri Mar 19, 2010 11:25 pm

The repetition is uber-effective and really snazzy. Driving the point and feeling home without being overwhelmingly irritating.

Also love, just in general, the feelings you've captured, the minute detail in which inner turmoil is written and documented.

Killer short story. ;] Please write more?
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The Blue Box

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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 4:38 pm

Yay Very Happy Thank you both for happy crit. It's given me confidence to pose the something else I started writing while at my Granddad's in Toronto this week, which I'm hoping to finish soon. (It's kinda depressing though Razz )

Meanwhile, responses are in order....

Yuliya - I like your suggestion. Except that I kind of feel like I should put something in to replace the 'finally', because it's a kind of list with the other two kinds of thoughts? I'll have a think. Suggestions?
Otherwise, thanks :] I like commas and syntax and vocabulary. And I frequently walk down the hall saying 'dork, dork, dork' to myself Razz

Angela - that's an interesting interpretation of it, that it would be how I feel asking someone to read my writing. I like it a lot and it works very well (as in, it is kind of true). Sadly however you are "completely, irrevocably wrong", that wasn't what I had in mind. In my head, the situation was one person telling another person that they fancy them. I suppose I can see how that might not be clear.. My head just saw it as two girls. I made an altered, boy-girl version, but I didn't like it. It was awkward because it wasn't what I'd seen.
Does it make more sense (or perhaps, different sense) now?

And it's funny, cause you both talk about alliteration and repetition and I (mostly) don't put that in on purpose - that's just how it is written, because that's just how it has to be for it to work. Right? I understand writers (more) now. Oh no, IB english is getting to me D:
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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 4:51 pm

... Aaaaaaah. I see.
Any particular reason that it was two girls?

It definitely made sense. I mean, the situation did come to mind, but because there was the "piece of paper" being passed, I assumed it was something else entirely. YAY. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right. ;]

Anyway, all that said. Sounds good. I wasn't sure if I would be able to find anyone else who wrote stories like this! (Idunno if you noticed my stories... >.>) I just think hetero-crush-ships are waaay to prevalent in society and that this kind of story takes everything, even the simplest things for a more enlightening spin. Also, I find them more meaningful in that, as girls, there is often this friendship/relationship line-blurring which is just divine to play with. Although it could just be because I'm kind of sadistic that way. Isn't inner turmoil just delicious?

SO. Yeah. Still rocking. Very Happy
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:24 pm

Angela's suggesdtion O_o

I thought it was 'one person telling another person that they fancy them'
But I thought it was cleverly done, 'cause it was applicable to the piece itself, and showing people the piece... a double-entendre idea that I really liked.
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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:25 pm

Inner turmoil. Yum. Razz
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:30 pm

@ Katie:
Ummm. I don't know. I kind of didn't feel like there was anything needed in the stead of that 'finally'. I mean, to me, it works completely sans anything (I'm still sick, and I'm tired of being sick, so sorry for not being coherent). So I don't really have any suggestions. Sorry >.<

And I never notice the literary devices I insert, unless it's a tongue-in-cheek application... I think it only works when it's effortless in your writing.
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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:33 pm

Which suggestion? Very Happy I didn't mean to make you Shocked
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:36 pm

Huh?

Katie asked for a suggestion...
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:38 pm

Y'know, it's not always you who gives commands and bullies me around around here ;D
jk. Razz
Any chance you could both look over my latests piece of cr..
Creation. I definitely meant creation there. Wink
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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:42 pm

Yes. On it right noow. Very Happy

"Angela's suggesdtion O_o" <-- I was confused about that.
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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:49 pm

oh. that suggestion was just what you saw behind it. Originally. A while ago. sometimes I answer things chronologically.

I guess it's confusing to refer to 2 diff. concepts as suggestions in one post.

So much for my varied covabulary Razz
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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:52 pm

Oh pshhh. ;]
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The Blue Box

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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 8:22 pm

Yuliya, you are so confusing.
Just post once.
Gosh.
:]

As for me, since I am not averse to replying to more than one idea in a post, I will reply to Angela first:
No particular reason that it was two girls. Like I said, that was how I saw it. And the 'piece of paper' being passed was because this particular person (like me, oddly Razz ) is a bit pathetico and can't do those kind of things out loud. And congratulations for being right Wink
I don't really write "stories like this" - but only because I don't really write. (Although apparently now I do?) I agree with pretty much everything you said - anything different is more interesting. I definitely make a habit of reading books (not to mention fanfic >.>)/watching films that are ...less mainstream for that very reason.
How could I not notice your stories. (Notably Academia can be so very suffocating... in a way I think that inspired me to spit this out.) I do think the blur between friendship and more is intriguing - and while it does exist in boy-girl relationships, it's more interesting in same-sex ones. Perhaps because people don't see it coming.
Yes, you are sadistic Smile inner turmoil is intriguing but not fun when it's your own. And yet it makes for very good writing.

Yuliyaaaa:
"[...]I thought it was cleverly done, 'cause it was applicable to the piece itself, and showing people the piece... a double-entendre idea that I really liked."
YES - I agree. I really like Angela's alternative interpretation - and it IS how I felt, posting it. Everything we write is a bit of ourselves, and it's daunting to share it. (Especially when you don't share OR write much. Cough cough Katie.)
And I promise I will get to your latest piece (the tictacs) later tonight - I have read it, and it was entertaining Smile But King Lear calls.
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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:51 pm

True, true... I think I have spoken a little prematurely.
However, since you agree with me, I assume that the more stories you write, the more I will see this line-blurring happen with your characters.

In conclusion; write more so I can be right more. ;]

REALLY? *feels very honoured and proud*

Mmm. That would make me masochistic as well then. I tend to revel in my own inner-turmoil because it's in that state that I can churn out all kinds of drawings and stories which are often much better than the usual... but then again, not always. However, I do find that inner-turmoil causes one to be very introspective and I think we learn many things about ourselves this way.
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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sat Mar 20, 2010 11:34 pm

Perhaps perhaps. We shall see. It all depends on what comes to me.

And well. It inspired me in that I think it made me realise that I can actually write what's in my head, and it can be small and snapshot-y and that's still writing and still very effective. And you should be proud Smile

Finally, oh, you don't have to talk to me about introspection. My entire LIFE is introspection. I get tired of it sometimes Razz
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PostSubject: Re: For Once.   Sun Mar 21, 2010 12:13 am

For the record, Katie, the action of only posting once will not alter the fact that my posts are completely and utterly random, as various voices in my head orate their thoughts/opinions.

Angela, I think one has to be sadomasochistic in his/her writing. There is a certain honesty that comes from inside a turmoil. And I'm sure everyone felt like torturing their characters for all the pain and effort that went into establishing them. Twisted Evil
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