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Owle Gray

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Number of posts : 163
Age : 25
Registration date : 2010-02-26

PostSubject: (Mini-poem)   Fri Mar 12, 2010 11:10 pm

Of a friend....

She’s born of a world
That’s frigid and cold.
She’s always contained
Within features feigned
For others to see:
Never being free.
And yet in the night
Under star’s piercing light
She faces her fears -
And breaks down in tears.
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Dark S3cret
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Number of posts : 458
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Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: (Mini-poem)   Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:17 am

Short, sweet, powerful.
Loved the concluding couplet. Tears/fears seems to be a commonly used rhyme, but it never loses its impact.

World/cold doesn't seem to rhyme in my head. >.>

But asides from that, it is very apt that the "never being free" is right in the middle of the poem, because it marks the transition from "what she shows" to what "really is." Also, I love characters were are strong on the outside and vulnerable on the inside. They always have this enigmatic depth to them. Makes them much more interesting that other types. Imho.

Also the couplet with "contained" and "feigned" awesome use of diction. You get both the "caged, trapped" feeling (possible caused by other people) as well as the element of "deception" on her part.
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: (Mini-poem)   Sun Mar 14, 2010 2:14 pm

World/cold: should I change? pale
Methinks, it doesn't matter that much: immigrant issues, sometimes weird things rhyme.

Loose enough of an error to keep, or shoud I tear down this post right now?
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: (Mini-poem)   Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:02 pm

Mmmm... it's minor. I assume that most people will be reading this in their brains, so... I think it's loose enough. The issue will only arise if it is read aloud. Otherwise, just leave it.

World is a difficult word to rhyme... I've had issues with it before.
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: (Mini-poem)   Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:07 pm

Hey, at least it's not like some of my other poems... I know a good word, and it rhymes, and the syllables fit, but IT'S IN RUSSIAN!!!! SOOOO frustrating. Mad


Last edited by Owle Gray on Fri Dec 10, 2010 7:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: (Mini-poem)   Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:12 pm

Lol. Life is like that. Razz Frustrating.
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