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Owle Gray

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Number of posts : 163
Age : 25
Registration date : 2010-02-26

PostSubject: Carried Away   Mon Mar 08, 2010 2:17 am

Thought I'd post something a bit more postitive... You know, seing as how it's spring and sunny and happy and all... Cool
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Carried Away

Ever sit down by yourself in the breeze
In silver-lit daybreak, amidst the trees
And just gaze around, to escape from it all
Relax in the quiet, before troubles’ call

A bird starts a-chirping, and happiness brings
The sunlight gives birth to a rustle of leaves,
The cool gentle air brushed the tears on your face;
The World reawakens with spirited grace.

You’re carried away, in the wake of the light
To the land in your mind where visions are might
To valleys unknown, to the noble knights’ swords,
To castles of marvel, lands beyond words –

To the place your mind conjured in its innocent years
Where goodness flows free, without evil or fears
Where feeling engulfs, and light long vanquished sorrow
Where surety reigns of the good of tomorrow…

And you’re cheered, that alive is your flame of a child
But its glow now is only a rare flash so mild
And away you will go, where the magic is lost
A lone spark in your heart – of experience cost.


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OK, explantations:
This is one of my older works, but I like it nonetheless. I just recalled it because of Angela's comment on my rhyming sceme in another work. This was a time when I really tried to have as little of a difference as possible between rhyming words.

I need particular help w/ the first stanza: it begins as a question, but I don't want to shove a question mark anywhere in there, for I feel it would take away some of the poise and make it seem a pointed question, which it isn't. Thoughts?

Is the feeling carried across (no self-reference intended Wink )?

As usual, please tear it apart.
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Dark S3cret
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Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: Carried Away   Wed Mar 10, 2010 8:55 pm

Are you worried that the question is not clear enough? Because I didn't see that as much of a problem. I'm thinking you could leave it the way it is and it will be fine.

I really like the diction you used -- it was very euphonic, but if I am mistaken, it was because I read it in my head, where it sounded euphonic. I think that this is particularly striking and effective in that your entire piece is supposed to be like a daydream where escapism is at its best. The rhyme scheme helps unify the entire piece, from verse to verse and because it is consistent, it has its effect from stanza to stanza as well. It passes off very effectively as a moment we have all experienced at one time or another, easily getting lost in our thoughts on a beautiful day... I feel like this very often when I walk out of the school, springtime is divine.

More specifically, I liked the references to fairytales... this entire feeling that it is when we are young and careless as children, we enjoy the true and simple beauty of life and nature and being alive. More escapism, oui!
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