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 The Gentle Candle-Flame

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Owle Gray

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Number of posts : 163
Age : 25
Registration date : 2010-02-26

PostSubject: The Gentle Candle-Flame   Wed Mar 03, 2010 10:08 pm

Sorry for the underlines... I'm just learning how to format text in this. I have yet to understand how to make the text fit where I want... Mad
-----------------------------

The Gentle Candle-Flame

The gentle candle-flame burns bright
A common symbol, oh so trite
Of hope, of peace, and contemplation;
And yet I stare in consternation
At the fire’s dismal depths;
_______________________There lie
________tears I’ve not yet shed. You die!
Beneath set countenance I break down
And stare ahead, though my thoughts drown
In stupors of lost despair,
______________________without You...
I gaze around me, crushed anew
Amidst evil glitters of mournful flame –
To me all rites are now the same –
A life so great, gone down the culvert:
-
A funeral’s candle brings no comfort.

--------------------------------------

Please tear this apart. Thanks.
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Dark S3cret
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Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: The Gentle Candle-Flame   Sun Mar 07, 2010 12:12 pm

Can I say I am in love with your vocabulary? Oooh. I love that you used consternation and dismal and countenance and stupor. Very Happy Ahhh. Goldmine.

Interesting discord of ideas that sums up a candle flame quite nicely. Common, hope, peace, yet dismal. Is it just me or does the dismal seem to outweigh all the nice optimistic words?

So... your character is mourning/angry about the death of a loved one? Sorry if the question is an obvious one. I could assume, which I sort of have, in inquiring yet nevertheless...

Mm. Nice, strong ending with an "oomph".
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: The Gentle Candle-Flame   Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:40 am

Vocabulary: Could I say I joined partially so I could leach off yours?

I just think it's the novelty of my vocab and nothing else...because we did not really communicate at great length. After you used 'amalgamate' and 'tonality' in your crit, you should be banned from praising mine ever again.

About the ending, I was hesitating between 'candle brings' and 'candles bring', and chose to put trust in the former. Any advice?

Yeah, it is a mourning poem. (And I think anger always accompanies great pain.) Is that not clear No
The emotion kind of hit me for no apparent reason, and then the following day I heard about the girl at school.... So, in a way, it's kind of a tribute to her and her family, I guess.
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: The Gentle Candle-Flame   Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:45 am

Awww. *blushes*

I instinctively agree with you using the Former. I.e. Candle brings, which is what you have.

Now it becomes more clear. ;] I was afraid to assume wrong.

Anger definitely always accompagnies great pain... I think it has, in part, to do with the fact that we feel a great injustice...

Mmm. We shall continue this conversation when I am not so sleepy.

I replied mostly because of the candle brings or candles bring -- I didn't want to forget my answer.
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Owle Gray

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PostSubject: Re: The Gentle Candle-Flame   Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:49 am

Really? I think of anger as a pain that you turn outward when you can no longer stand to have it pierce you.

I'll let you sleep now. Sleep
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: The Gentle Candle-Flame   Tue Mar 09, 2010 7:08 pm

There is truth in that as well.
I mean, clearly anger is not single-faceted... humankind can attest to that. There is a multitude of reasons in which anger is the result... so let's just say we are both correct. :]
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