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Dark S3cret
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Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Perfect   Wed Jan 13, 2010 7:50 pm

Drowning in the depths of inadequacy, I breathe
I breathe in failure after failure after failure
Failure, it all dances around me in a whirl of fanfare
Fanfare notes flutter in the air like paper flowers
Flowers falling from the red sky filled with my
My frustration

I drop and feel the ground beneath my knees, it hurts
Hurts as the bed of rocks and glass press into my
My skin, and I close my eyes to see the dark, black
Black recesses of my diseased mind filled with holes
Holes that lets everything precious fall through like
Like jewels

It wanders and wanders and falls away into the
The intoxicating realm of nothingness, and it grows
Grows lazy and breaks away from the chains of my
My control, and fuck why can’t I stop this, why
Why can’t I do this, why can’t I do this I just
Just want to be

Perfect.
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The Blue Box

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Number of posts : 62
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-10-04

PostSubject: Re: Perfect   Mon Feb 08, 2010 9:34 pm

Okay, so I'm checking the forums again after........ four months or so :$
A visit definitely prompted by a deep desire to read Annie's version of the national anthem again. But anyway.

Comments:
OMG alliteration/consonance (I am a good IB kid :B) in the first stanza. I actually noticed it, which either proves that I've learnt something in English class or that the poem is a success. I'm going for the latter. Anyway, it's very effective, and I'm impressed with the number of 'F' words you managed to find.
There's a definite change in feel from the first stanza to the second; where the first one feels (to me) like air or wind or sand (I don't know why sand..), the second feels like ice and stone and ice water and glass.
And I like the tactic of repeating the last word of each line at the beginning of the next line. It's very interesting.

*likes* Smile
Except I hope you don't feel like this because you're not a failure. (Although I hate to break it to you, you're not perfect either. Only I'm perfect Wink )

oookay, back to Math IA now.
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Perfect   Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:20 pm

Oh. Haha. I will be putting that up soon.

Hmmm. I actually didn't notice the consonance >.> which, I think, goes to prove my point that there is no way in hell that authors think of everything... it just happens. And other people find it.
The tactic is called enjambment. Very Happy It does have a rather interesting effect. I like to use it, but it very rarely gives the effect one is looking for.

Of course. Katie, you are perfect, of course. I only surround myself with perfection, because I myself cannot attain it. XD

Good luck.

P.S. It's nice to hear from you on the forum.
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Perfect   Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:45 pm

This is so pretty... I had to read it twice to realize that it's actually kind of depressing, because I was so caught up in the rhythm of it. I can't write an IB-worthy poetry commentary, but I loved this. Very Happy:D
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Perfect   Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:08 pm

Thank you... Very Happy And I laughed at your comment. I like to mask depressing things with prettiness. Razz

Also, I may have asked you this before... but are you in IB?
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Sarabi

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PostSubject: Re: Perfect   Tue Feb 09, 2010 8:30 pm

Partial IB. I know that sounds wierd, but I have an IEP, so I'm only in IB english.
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Perfect   Tue Feb 09, 2010 11:10 pm

Really? That's interesting. I've never heard of that before. XD
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