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Dark S3cret
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Dark S3cret

Number of posts : 458
Age : 26
Registration date : 2009-01-17

Alcohol Empty
PostSubject: Alcohol   Alcohol EmptyMon Jan 26, 2009 8:00 pm

she likes
the bittersweet taste on her tongue
knowing that its warm caress
will linger with the night still young

she likes
the spinning that blurs the world
into the depths of its dark contents
that tantalizingly swirled

she likes
the nausea that threatens to spill
numbing her heart, hurting her head
as she continues to drink her fill

she likes
the weakness that brings her to her knees
where she will stay until tomorrow
forever addicted, and tainted with disease

she drowns herself
in the comforting bottles of bliss
so she can forget
the things she doesn’t want to miss

[feedback?]


Last edited by Dark S3cret on Sun Mar 07, 2010 12:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Delrez

Delrez

Number of posts : 26
Registration date : 2009-01-23

Alcohol Empty
PostSubject: Re: Alcohol   Alcohol EmptySun Feb 01, 2009 9:51 pm

That's really good.
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Dark S3cret
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Dark S3cret

Number of posts : 458
Age : 26
Registration date : 2009-01-17

Alcohol Empty
PostSubject: Re: Alcohol   Alcohol EmptyTue Feb 10, 2009 5:14 pm

Thanks, Alex.

Any in-depth comments? Razz
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Owle Gray

Owle Gray

Number of posts : 163
Age : 27
Registration date : 2010-02-26

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PostSubject: Re: Alcohol   Alcohol EmptySat Mar 06, 2010 2:48 am

I like how, at first, there is no rhyme (between tongue and young), and a loose rhyme (around world and swirled), but then the rhyming develops - it feels like she is being entrapped, ensnared by her drinking pattern. That is what made it so powerful, for me.

And then, when it goes from 'she likes' to 'she drowns herself' : because this new phrase is longer, it gives me the illusion that this is an overflowing, desperate flow-of-conciousness.

And, obviously, the last stanza is WiCKED. (good)

BUT first stanza, third line: 'its' not 'it's'! It burns my eyes. Mad
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Dark S3cret
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Dark S3cret

Number of posts : 458
Age : 26
Registration date : 2009-01-17

Alcohol Empty
PostSubject: Re: Alcohol   Alcohol EmptySun Mar 07, 2010 12:14 pm

=]

I fixed it. Thank you for spotting.
I hate typos. >.> They should die.
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PostSubject: Re: Alcohol   Alcohol Empty

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