| hurricane | |
|
|
Author | Message |
---|
Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: hurricane Tue Feb 10, 2009 5:25 pm | |
| like a hurricane
she came along and tore you away from your sanity she sucked you in against your will
twirling
spinning
you around until your eyes were filled with tears and you couldn’t see a thing because the world had become a senseless blur
but you didn’t really care
and just when you had gotten used to it all she spat you out, dumped you back to where you used to be leaving you
bruised
broken
bloody
and all alone again
you try so hard to find a way to stand on your own two feet again
but your knees are weak you can’t think straight you stumble and fall to your knees
and try as you might you can’t ignore the cold
you hate yourself for remembering but you can’t help missing the warmth of her skin | |
|
| |
root vegetable
Number of posts : 52 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-26
| Subject: Re: hurricane Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:08 pm | |
| heeeey there babe
so, some (hopefully? well, its intended to be) constructive feedback: i think it might be a little ... i wouldnt say better, because there's nothing wrong with it (youll see what i mean; not that you dont ALREADY know theres nothing wrong with it, of cource) but maybe if you were to have some form of set structure to it; if one verse/paragraph thing/i dont know poetry is going to be x many lines, others like it should be aswell? and at the end, the last stanza; is that the word im looking for? (the last verse/paragraph thing) maybe if it was similar to the first one?? you can totes ignore everything i just said; as previously mentioned i know jack about poetry, but the things i pointed out u could change are also what make it unique, so remember that (and not just in a 'your unique and special and different from everyone else' way either; the fact that it doesnt fall into a rhythm makes it fun) | |
|
| |
Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Re: hurricane Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:45 pm | |
| =DD Hey there SEXY.
Yeah, I know what you mean. The syllabic measure or whatnot. Because often free-verse does still have a set number of syllables per verse, etc. I will consider your suggestions. And thank you very much for giving in-depth feedback.
The only thing I have to say is that this initially was a paragraph -- just one extended metaphor, but I decided that converting it into poetry format would have an interesting touch. | |
|
| |
Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Re: hurricane Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:47 pm | |
| So... that was my explanation as to why there isn't any set structure to it -- that said, I prefer not to be so pedantic about things like that, although having an exact number of syllables does sometimes make it flow better? Or just sound better. And also, you know, bragging rights. XD | |
|
| |
root vegetable
Number of posts : 52 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-26
| Subject: Re: hurricane Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:59 pm | |
| and this is why i love you *the above was in referance to how you effectively, elqouently, beautifly, poetically went 'oh yeah? UP YOURS, BITCH' to the idea of making it mundane and blah with all those fancy terms about syllables & whatnot ;P it started out as a paragraph, eh? thats mighty interesting; now im curious to see what could come of it if it were to turn back into a paragraph, and be continued, maybe? (several possibilities include: it is just as fabulous as its 'FUCK YOU' poetic twin; the meaning and imagery are lost since there wouldnt be the visual structure of a poem; all of nothing could happen cuz you dont have to do it, its currently just fucking fabulous, thankyouverymuch) <3 | |
|
| |
Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Re: hurricane Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:09 pm | |
| HEYY THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION I WASN'T TRYING TO SAY THAT
DDD: | |
|
| |
Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Re: hurricane Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:09 pm | |
| | |
|
| |
Traverse Writer
Number of posts : 114 Age : 32 Registration date : 2009-01-22
| Subject: Re: hurricane Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:22 pm | |
| O.o
I have no idea what just went on, but I think the poem was nicely done. Maybe too bloody for me, but hey, it's a poem.
Now, I know I need to give feedback, so here goes nothing.
*takes deep breath*
The poem structure was different yet it flowed (downwards that is.) But it's unique in differencing your style from others, which is cool too. The description is very interesting in the sense of how to worded and the poem structure. The single words made more impact than the multi-lined ones.
I actually can't think of any others, (of course chance are I have forgotten them, because I'm doing several things at once or that someone else has already said it on me.)
But if I do, I'll make sure to inculded it. | |
|
| |
Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Re: hurricane Wed Feb 11, 2009 7:32 pm | |
| Thanks to you too, Megan. =]
But might I ask why it's bloody?
0.0 | |
|
| |
Traverse Writer
Number of posts : 114 Age : 32 Registration date : 2009-01-22
| Subject: Re: hurricane Wed Feb 11, 2009 7:40 pm | |
| The part with this: "leaving you bruised broken bloody and all alone again" Not to say its that bloody, it's just I have a vivid mind and picture it like a movie. It's meant as a complement from me. That's all. I hope I wasn't being too vague or strange.... | |
|
| |
Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Re: hurricane Fri Feb 13, 2009 1:05 pm | |
| Nope. S'all good. Thanks Megan. | |
|
| |
Sponsored content
| Subject: Re: hurricane | |
| |
|
| |
| hurricane | |
|