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 Ophelia

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Dark S3cret
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Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Ophelia   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:35 pm

She closes her eyes and she feels those icy, cold fingertips stroking her back through the thin fabric of her clothing, pressing against her vertebrae as if they were piano keys. She breathes in and all she smells is the heady scent of cheap cigarettes, men’s cologne, and faint traces of chlorine from five-star hotel pools. She doesn’t know why, but it is appealing and intoxicating so she breathes it in like the air she so desperately needs. Her head is swimming and she can’t think straight, she feels the bubbles of whimsical thoughts pop in her brain the second she tries to focus on them. All she can think is how she doesn’t want-this-to-end, but she knows it will. Those arms, wrapped so tightly around her body it’s like the pressure and the muscles contracting around her ribcage, making it hard to breathe – and she opens her mouth to say something but everything is silent. She hears those three damned words and she plunges even deeper into an abyss she knows she’ll never be able to swim out of, but she revels in the moment knowing it will never come again. The wind picks up and howls and sends the biting chill rippling over her bare skin and her scent is everywhere at once and it is driving her crazy. She feels the hold loosening and tries to cry out but nothing. She starts to slip away, out of her arms, and she can’t feel her anymore so she panics and realizes she doesn’t know what to do or where to go to get her back. Each step she takes away from her is a wasted year by her side and she runs after that elusive figure, the one she always sees in her dreams. She runs and runs and runs wishing that she knew with certainty that she’d be there if she fell, like she always was for her. But then she opens her eyes and sees the chilling blue of a cold, sunny winter sky and for a second manages to fool herself into thinking that she was gazing into her eyes, but when she breaks through the surface, gasping for breath and blinks –

– she is alone.
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MinglerX

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Number of posts : 80
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-02-17

PostSubject: Re: Ophelia   Mon Nov 30, 2009 8:53 pm

The fact that you called this Ophelia gives me excessive amounts of happiness. The present tense is really effective for the personal tone of the piece. I liked the simile of her vertebrae being piano keys, because I got the whole "playing her like an instrument" vibe. After you explained that she was in the water, the piece got to a whole new level of awesome, especially at the end, but I have to admit that I didn't get that until you explained it. I enjoyed the overall feeling of a super intense friendship. It was good. Smile
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Dark S3cret
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PostSubject: Re: Ophelia   Mon Nov 30, 2009 11:37 pm

Thank youuu ~
The play on words for "playing" wasn't intentional. But I suppose it fits with the story in a way. XD Also, Ophelia is the name of the best friend I was writing about in the story, which is why this piece is titled after her. (Really, her name is spelt Ofelija, but I call her Ofi.)
Very Happy That's okay. Kudos for honesty!
And good crit. =]
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