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| | Cigarette | |
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Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Cigarette Mon Jan 26, 2009 7:58 pm | |
| She motions almost impatiently for the lighter She flicks up the flame, watching it burn brighter With the cigarette held tightly between her teeth
She smiles at you, her lips pull back and curling She exhales deeply, the spiraling smoke unfurling With a grin, she sits down right next to you
She watches you quietly with a confident sneer She knows you’ll always be nowhere but near With a hug and a kiss through all times
She takes another long drag and you just can’t help it She knows you think things that you’ll never admit With a sigh, you don’t know why this always happens
She moves just a bit closer, and slowly turns her head She breathes on your cheek, and you wonder instead With disgust towards yourself for being so easy
She whispers sweet lies into your ear and you wait She shifts and you try desperately just to think straight With the mixed thoughts clouding your brain
She’s so close you can feel her skin on your lips She’s moving too quickly, her hands at your hips With a passion you know won’t last at all
The fiery trails drag across your skin, etched like scars And you breathe in the cold air, staring up at the stars
She takes all the time, your independence, pride, and free will And you’re still trying to figure out why she alone has this skill
You know you’ll wake up right beside no one tomorrow
Opening your eyes to a brilliant new day Wishing for once, that she would come and stay
So you wouldn’t only find The burned out ashes of her cigarette
[this poem might end up in the yearbook page of writing club]
[feedback? what you liked, what you didn't like... etc.] | |
| | | grrrtrude
Number of posts : 3 Age : 32 Registration date : 2009-01-22
| Subject: Re: Cigarette Tue Feb 03, 2009 12:01 am | |
| This poem had better end up in the yearbook page of writing club!
I liked the imagery. It's almost inherent with cigarettes. | |
| | | Traverse Writer
Number of posts : 114 Age : 32 Registration date : 2009-01-22
| Subject: Re: Cigarette Wed Feb 04, 2009 5:09 pm | |
| Jenna how do you get your name like that, I can't seem to do it. By the way, I liked the imagery and it ryhmes! Horray! I can't see anything I don't like, it has very nice rythm. And yes, I agree, put it in the yearbook page of the Writer's Club! | |
| | | grrrtrude
Number of posts : 3 Age : 32 Registration date : 2009-01-22
| Subject: Re: Cigarette Thu Feb 05, 2009 7:14 pm | |
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| | | Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Re: Cigarette Fri Feb 06, 2009 12:03 am | |
| Jenna, Megan -- Thanks for the positive feedback. | |
| | | root vegetable
Number of posts : 52 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-26
| Subject: Re: Cigarette Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:14 am | |
| Right, can't beleive i haven't responded to this already. So, i think that this is my favourite poem thus far. And im not a fan of poetry, so thats saying something. The imagery is fantastic, and i liked your rhyming scheme. And, for some less-than-starfire-perky-comments: ...what happened at the end there; you suddenly switched from 3 lines per paragraph thing to 2. I do like them, but... yeah, jus thought that was a little weird; it seemed to happen without any reason. I think the impact of the last line is lost, though, becasue of it. If you added another paragraph thing, so that the last line was somehow separated from the rest of the poem, maybe? Or, you could focus more on the cigarette itself rather than the smoker somewhat-sort-of-raping you aspect (said that just for you) But yes; iLike!! XD | |
| | | Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Re: Cigarette Sat Feb 14, 2009 8:47 pm | |
| Hm... I think I get where you're coming from. I'll fiddle around with it. See what happens. =D Thanks for the good feedback!
Just for me? Oh, you shouldn't have!
Oh, and just for YOU, I'm posting my penfriend's commentary on this poem. =D It's funny, because he said pretty much the opposite about the 3 line to 2 lines thing. | |
| | | Dark S3cret Admin
Number of posts : 458 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-17
| Subject: Re: Cigarette Sat Feb 14, 2009 8:48 pm | |
| Commentary:
It seems evident to me that the poet is attempting through her medium to communicate her frustration with a love that she perceives as a degenerative and decaying force (as signified by the cigarette, semiotically linked to the femme fatale and similar connotations of self-destruction) and yet the addiction she finds therein (which of course makes the cigarette all the more apt).
The change in the verse structure toward the end, at first a gradual change then abruptly switching back and forth between different syllabic measures per line and lines per stanza, charts the change from an easy, accepting experience to the poet's attempt to vicariously communicate her sense of deep unease - and of course the disruptive nature of change.
However, it is worth noting that the first stage of verse-structure, which you will notice is a rhyming couplet followed by an extra line, which seemingly performs no function within the stanza, interweaves a feeling of subtle wrongness even amongst the smooth, dream-like experience of the first section.
When this third, surplus line is shed, the reader has the implicit feeling that somehow a deception has been shed, and that therefore the stanzas which contain nothing but rhyming couplets are the truth scrubbed raw, the layer of deception stripped away by the cold, uncompromising nature of reality. | |
| | | root vegetable
Number of posts : 52 Age : 31 Registration date : 2009-01-26
| Subject: Re: Cigarette Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:36 am | |
| jezus christ ur buddy that wrote that comment is deep everything he said makes sence (the words i understood, atleast ), and now that he has said i find myself agreeing. i salute his epic poetry insight commentary. *insert saluting motion here* | |
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