HomeCalendarFAQSearchMemberlistRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 Cigarette

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Dark S3cret
Admin
avatar

Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Cigarette   Mon Jan 26, 2009 7:58 pm

She motions almost impatiently for the lighter
She flicks up the flame, watching it burn brighter
With the cigarette held tightly between her teeth

She smiles at you, her lips pull back and curling
She exhales deeply, the spiraling smoke unfurling
With a grin, she sits down right next to you

She watches you quietly with a confident sneer
She knows you’ll always be nowhere but near
With a hug and a kiss through all times

She takes another long drag and you just can’t help it
She knows you think things that you’ll never admit
With a sigh, you don’t know why this always happens

She moves just a bit closer, and slowly turns her head
She breathes on your cheek, and you wonder instead
With disgust towards yourself for being so easy

She whispers sweet lies into your ear and you wait
She shifts and you try desperately just to think straight
With the mixed thoughts clouding your brain

She’s so close you can feel her skin on your lips
She’s moving too quickly, her hands at your hips
With a passion you know won’t last at all

The fiery trails drag across your skin, etched like scars
And you breathe in the cold air, staring up at the stars

She takes all the time, your independence, pride, and free will
And you’re still trying to figure out why she alone has this skill

You know you’ll wake up right beside no one tomorrow

Opening your eyes to a brilliant new day
Wishing for once, that she would come and stay

So you wouldn’t only find
The burned out ashes of her cigarette



[this poem might end up in the yearbook page of writing club]

[feedback? what you liked, what you didn't like... etc.]
Back to top Go down
View user profile
grrrtrude

avatar

Number of posts : 3
Age : 26
Registration date : 2009-01-22

PostSubject: Re: Cigarette   Tue Feb 03, 2009 12:01 am

This poem had better end up in the yearbook page of writing club!

I liked the imagery. It's almost inherent with cigarettes.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Traverse Writer

avatar

Number of posts : 114
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-22

PostSubject: Re: Cigarette   Wed Feb 04, 2009 5:09 pm

Jenna how do you get your name like that, I can't seem to do it. Sad

By the way, I liked the imagery and it ryhmes!

Horray!

I can't see anything I don't like, it has very nice rythm. And yes, I agree, put it in the yearbook page of the Writer's Club! Very Happy
Back to top Go down
View user profile
grrrtrude

avatar

Number of posts : 3
Age : 26
Registration date : 2009-01-22

PostSubject: Re: Cigarette   Thu Feb 05, 2009 7:14 pm

Trav3rs3 Wr1t3r wrote:
Jenna how do you get your name like that, I can't seem to do it. Sad
Oh, it's my signature! Just edit it by clicking the 'profile' link at the top, or going here: http://pwnforum.forumotion.com/profile.forum?mode=editprofile&page_profil=signature
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Dark S3cret
Admin
avatar

Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: Cigarette   Fri Feb 06, 2009 12:03 am

Jenna, Megan -- Thanks for the positive feedback.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
root vegetable

avatar

Number of posts : 52
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-26

PostSubject: Re: Cigarette   Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:14 am

Right, can't beleive i haven't responded to this already.

So, i think that this is my favourite poem thus far. And im not a fan of poetry, so thats saying something. The imagery is fantastic, and i liked your rhyming scheme. Very Happy

And, for some less-than-starfire-perky-comments: ...what happened at the end there; you suddenly switched from 3 lines per paragraph thing to 2. I do like them, but... yeah, jus thought that was a little weird; it seemed to happen without any reason. I think the impact of the last line is lost, though, becasue of it. If you added another paragraph thing, so that the last line was somehow separated from the rest of the poem, maybe? Or, you could focus more on the cigarette itself rather than the smoker somewhat-sort-of-raping you aspect Razz (said that just for you)

But yes; iLike!! XD
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Dark S3cret
Admin
avatar

Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: Cigarette   Sat Feb 14, 2009 8:47 pm

Hm... I think I get where you're coming from. I'll fiddle around with it. See what happens. =D
Thanks for the good feedback!

Just for me? Oh, you shouldn't have!

Oh, and just for YOU, I'm posting my penfriend's commentary on this poem. =D It's funny, because he said pretty much the opposite about the 3 line to 2 lines thing.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Dark S3cret
Admin
avatar

Number of posts : 458
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-17

PostSubject: Re: Cigarette   Sat Feb 14, 2009 8:48 pm

Commentary:

It seems evident to me that the poet is attempting through her medium to communicate her frustration with a love that she perceives as a degenerative and decaying force (as signified by the cigarette, semiotically linked to the femme fatale and similar connotations of self-destruction) and yet the addiction she finds therein (which of course makes the cigarette all the more apt).

The change in the verse structure toward the end, at first a gradual change then abruptly switching back and forth between different syllabic measures per line and lines per stanza, charts the change from an easy, accepting experience to the poet's attempt to vicariously communicate her sense of deep unease - and of course the disruptive nature of change.

However, it is worth noting that the first stage of verse-structure, which you will notice is a rhyming couplet followed by an extra line, which seemingly performs no function within the stanza, interweaves a feeling of subtle wrongness even amongst the smooth, dream-like experience of the first section.

When this third, surplus line is shed, the reader has the implicit feeling that somehow a deception has been shed, and that therefore the stanzas which contain nothing but rhyming couplets are the truth scrubbed raw, the layer of deception stripped away by the cold, uncompromising nature of reality.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
root vegetable

avatar

Number of posts : 52
Age : 25
Registration date : 2009-01-26

PostSubject: Re: Cigarette   Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:36 am

jezus christ ur buddy that wrote that comment is deep
everything he said makes sence (the words i understood, atleast Razz), and now that he has said i find myself agreeing.
i salute his epic poetry insight commentary. *insert saluting motion here*
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Cigarette   

Back to top Go down
 
Cigarette
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Does George smoke?
» 11 ‘X-Files’ Villains We’d Love to See on the Limited Series (Photos)
» How ‘The X-Files’ helped the Cigarette Smoking Man meet his wife
» 10x06 - My Struggle II

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
P.W.N. People Writing Nonsense! :: GRADUATES :: Poetry-
Jump to: